You’re a closet crossdresser ready to tell your wife about your feminine side. This may seem like a daunting task, but with some preparation and a good game plan, you can do it. This is my personal opinion and advice on the subject:
Keeping secrets is bad
Lies, secrets, and deception are potent ingredients in the recipe for a failed marriage. Although telling your significant other the truth before taking your vows is always the best course of action, it is often not done for a variety of reasons. Like I was, many are still in a state of confusion or self-denial about their crossdressering when they got married.
In some instances, it may be best to remain in the closet – at least for the time being. If you enjoy a happy family life, have things truly under control, and have reason to believe that coming out may have terrible consequences for your family, perhaps it is best to leave well enough alone. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.
Ultimately, it is up to each individual to decide what is best for them. My personal opinion is that a woman has the right to know about the man she married, just as the man has the right to be himself without having to hide who he is. Of course, she also has the right to tell him good bye if she feels that his secret is too much for her to take. I’ll address that scenario in more depth later in this article.
Understand who you are
Before initiating this conversation with your wife, you’d better be certain you understand it yourself. If you still have confusion about who or what you are, hold off on the talk. Your wife will probably sense your confusion and may conclude that your crossdressering is a disorder or mental illness – something you need help to overcome like alcoholism or an obsessive compulsion. If you’re still struggling to understand it yourself, I strongly advise seeking therapy with a trained professional before talking to your wife. Most therapists are used to this discussion topic and will be able to help you work through your confusion. You might even consider finding one that specializes in gender identity counseling.
Test the water
If you are concerned about how your wife might react to the news, test the water first. Figure out a way to broach the subject without letting on that it is really about you.
If you think your storytelling skills are up to par, consider just making up a story about a co-worker or someone you know (and your wife does not). Explain that your friend Susan just found out about her husband being a crossdresser. You can either put a positive or negative spin to gauge your wife’s reaction. For instance, Susan found out and was very intrigued and excited by the news, or perhaps she was very upset and was thinking about leaving her husband.
The idea is to get your wife to offer her opinion on the matter without noticeably prompting her to. Understanding where she sits on things before having the talk will offer some insight as to how she will react when you tell her the news.
Don’t play the surprise game
Deciding to come out to your wife by surprising her completely en femme is probably not a good idea. You may want to have a picture or two handy when you talk to her, but do not just spring this on your wife while all dressed up. It may be very shocking and upsetting to her. Even though this is an integral part of your life, you also need to be sensitive to how she may feel and react. Talk first. Introduce your feminine side later.
Timing is everything
It is a good idea to have a specific time set aside to have this important conversation. You may or may not specifically make your wife aware of it ahead of time, so long as you know she’ll be available. Be certain that there will be ample free time in which to let the conversation play out without interruption. This could be a long talk, so plan accordingly.
Hold off on having the conversation if there are currently other matters that weigh heavily on your wife’s mind. For instance, if your wife is working through some kind of personal troubles or your pet dog just died, it’s not a good time. Wait for a time when everything is relatively uneventful.
It’s a gift, not a disease
Regardless of how the general public views crossdressering, it’s not a disorder, mental illness, disease, addiction, or the work of the devil. Psychiatric professionals will explain that crossdressing is perfectly normal, and that it is society that has the problem, not the crossdresser. Do not present this part of your life like some kind of terrible condition or affliction you suffer from. It is a difference, plain and simple. Everyone has differences. It is a part of who you are. You have a beautiful gift to share with your wife. Treat it as such.
It is understandable to feel nervous about this discussion. Even so, remember that how you present this part of your life will influence how well it is received by your wife.
Prepare yourself for the questions
Your wife is probably going to have a plethora of questions and you’d better be prepared to answer each of them and remain cool while doing so. Although you won’t be able to anticipate every question she’ll have, it is a good idea to prepare in-depth answers to some of the more common ones:
“Are you gay?” “Do you want a sex change?” “Are you going to start dressing like this all the time?” “Why didn’t you tell me this before we got married?”, etc.
Put the proper thought into your answers and be completely honest with your wife with each of them. Do not withhold information as it defeats the purpose of this important conversation.
If you are asked questions that you honestly do not immediately have an answer for – defer them until later. You’ll be better off getting back to her with those answers after putting proper thought into them, than if you just blurt out something that may not be entirely accurate as to how you feel. This is an important issue, so take the extra time and do it right. Even though you’re having “the big talk”, in reality coming out it is a process. One cannot expect to cover everything in a single conversation. It will probably be a series conversations over a period of time.
How much to explain in one conversation should be gauged by your wife’s reaction to what you have to say. If she is immediately upset and argumentative, it may be best to stop and let things settle in for a day or two before continuing with this topic of discussion.
Be prepared for potential fallout
Once you’ve delivered the news, there may be some difficult times ahead if your wife doesn’t immediately warm up to the idea. She might require some time to get used to the idea of your feminine side. She might not be entirely happy with it, but still choose to love and accept you as you are.
You have the right to be yourself and express yourself however you choose. You have the right live your life without someone else dictating how you can and cannot dress or present yourself. And your wife has the right to reject you if it is too upsetting or undesirable to her.
Some women will never accept or be happy with a crossdressing partner/husband, period. The thought of their husband in a feminine light might be upsetting and/or turn them off, and there’s not much that can be done to change how they feel. You may be faced with the dreaded ultimatum: “Either give up your crossdressering or I’m leaving you and you’ll never see your children again.” Whether or not she can really deliver on the “never see your children again” part, you may soon find yourself on the road to divorce.
How to deal with an ultimatum is up to you. If you believe you can truly be happy living life as half a person and give up your feminine side/things forever, you might be able to save the marriage. Keep in mind that changing who you are when there is nothing wrong with you, in order to save a relationship, is never a healthy move. A well-trained, licensed therapist will tell you the same. If you have to suppress and deny yourself who you are in order to be accepted and loved, then you are not truly being loved in the first place. You deserve to be loved and accepted for who you are, not just who someone else wants you to be. In addition, your wife deserves to be with someone who does not need to lie or repress natural human instincts in order to please her.
Divorce is not the end of the world however. Weigh a lifetime of self-denial and personal turmoil against the idea of temporary heartbreak and hardship with the prospect of finding true happiness on the other side of the pain. After all is said and done, you will have the opportunity to find someone who will love all of you rather than just a part of you (your man-side). There are plenty of women who would enjoy the chance to fall in love with a crossdresser, and even prefer to be with one.
Although not crossdressing related, my parents went through a divorce and it was hard on the whole family. In the end, they both found people more compatible to each. I can honestly say I’ve never seen either of them happier than they are now.
Crossdressering is only one of thousands of things that could result in divorce. The bottom line is that marriages tend to fail when people are not compatible enough, period. Neither one can force their ways on the other and expect real happiness to come of it. Both parties need to be compatible, happy and content with themselves and each other in order for the relationship to work.
I am not advising remaining with or breaking up with a woman who does not accept your crossdressing. My point is to think seriously about the realities and consider your options wisely.
Good luck
Hopefully, your marriage will not come to an end when you explain your feminine side to your wife. Some marriages are greatly enhanced when a man can offer the best of both worlds to his wife. That is how things turned out for my wife and I. After coming out to her, we became even closer we ever have been before. There’s an extensive additional territory to explore and have fun with together. I took a somewhat different approach to telling my wife, but my circumstances were unique to begin with. You can read about how I came out to my wife by clicking the link.
Hopefully this has shed light on some important things that need to be taken into consideration when it is time to have that necessary talk with your wife. Whatever you decide is right for you, I hope the final outcome brings happiness, joy, a sense of wholeness and freedom to your life.
First of all, love the picture. Second, excellent article, you covered all the bases. I really hope that articles like these reach and help the right people. You and I are extremely blessed to have had everything work out for us and our wives.
I love how you say crossdressing is a gift, how true!
Thank you, Jessica. :) We are blessed to have had things work out well for us. We have also both had our struggles. It is important to help those who are still struggling by sharing what we’ve learned and how we overcame adversity in our lives. Things worked out in our lives because we made them work. If we did it, so can others – we are living proof of that.
Crossdressing is a gift. We both understand that. It’s time the rest of the world did as well. :)
You might like this one Gabrielle. We went out to dinner for our 10th Anniversary. At the end of dinner my wife asked what I wanted for my anniversary. I said I wanted to wear her clothes (lingerie in particular). There was a couple at the next table and the woman had a big smile on her face. My wife had her back to the woman and could not see her reaction. Later the lingerie was laid out however it was too small and I could not get them over my shoulders so I had to take up shopping for the proper size. Just another happy story in my unique hobby. As my brother says… (Everyone should have a hobby) Life is good… Enjoy the moment…
Thankyou i have just read this twice and no doubt will read it again and again, the last thing i want to do is upset my wife (more than i have too),
I guess i have only recently acknowledged my own feelings and i know this will help me to approach my wife and listen too and respect her feelings. gawd my heart is in my mouth at the moment. i have not yet dressed fully as Tanyajane just knickers and a nightie but i hope one day to be free to be her with my wife at my side. wish me luck xx
Good luck, Tanyajane! :)
You make make many good points! However, I disagree with one of your suggestions: “consider just making up a story”… [about a cross dresser]. This is lying. It would be better, I think, to find an example from the media, like a news story, a TV show or movie or even on the internet, and use it as a starting point.
But, thanks much for a great article!
You make an excellent point about the “making up a story” suggestion, Michelle. I agree, and thank you for pointing that out.
Thank-you for the advice. I am going to tell my wife today. Wish me luck
Kassie
Your welcome and I’m wishing you the best of luck, Kassie. Talk to your wife with pride in who you are and I’m sure you will do just fine. I’ll be sending positive thoughts your way. :)
*Hugs* Just be patient hon. Things will be what they will be. Good luck.
Sorry about the name. Gay family mamber very closeted and we have an agreement. Came to your web site because of the flux of Trani/ gender questioning individuals coming to our support groups. I have been a pflager for 21 yrs and started and facilated support group for straight spouses for many yrs. Thus, the “coming out to spouse” is very interesting to me. Are there ever really secrets in marriage? Families? Secrets hang over a marriage like a black cloud no matter how well hidden. Anyway just heard gender questioning group is attempting to start up a spouses/ partners support group and I think I would like to be involved. So, now that i have gas baged enough can u hook me up with any other groups? Fancy Nancy bio- BA in Communication, professional background Social work. Was in a nasty accident in 07 on disabilty now got a lot of knowledge just looking for a place to use it and continue to learn. Know I don’t need to say this but age 52, look great but insides are in rough shape.
Hi Nancy. Yes, secrets are often like looming dark clouds, ready to rain trouble all over a marriage. With some exceptions, it’s just bad to keep secrets in a marriage.
I’m glad you’ve chosen to get involved in a support group because of a loved one. Offering support is so important to those you love. Attempting to truly understand (or come as close as one can get) by getting involved in the sharing and discussion of information, situations, feelings, social pressures, etc., is such a smart thing to do, and can be so very helpful to loved ones, complete strangers, and even to oneself. We almost always learn more about ourselves, too, when we set out to understand differences in others.
In terms of offering guidance toward other groups, that’s a tricky one. If you are looking to understand a greater range of the kind of groups you’ve already been involved in via the internet, your favorite search engine is a good place to start. Type in your general area of interest (such as an issue you’d like to learn about and offer support) and include words such as “forum”, “online community”, “group”, “support”, etc. There are no shortages of online support groups and message forums dedicated to just about everything imaginable people struggle with.
If you’re looking to become involved in more group meetings locally, a similar approach may be good. Again, hit up your favorite search engine and include location in your search queries. I’m not sure if that’s the kind of information you were hoping for, but I hope it helps a little. :)
It sounds like you’ve got a lot (of heart, knowledge, support, and friendship) to share with people, so I do hope you choose to do just that! The world could certainly use more motivated people with a positive outlook, ready and willing to offer a helping hand and just plain be there.
IM MARRIED 30 YRS & MY WIFE DOESN;T KNOW ABOUT MY OUTER SELF!!!! IVE TRIRD TO BROCH THE SUBJECT (HALLOWEEN) BUT SHELL COME UP WITH 20 OTHER COSTUMES FOR ME. A MOVIE ABOUT CROSSDRESSING NO WAY TV SHOW SHELL WALK OUT OF THE ROOM. I THINK I CRACKED THE ICE A LITTLE WE FIGHT ABOUT HAVING KIDS SO I SAID ILL STOP BOTHERING YOU ABOUT A FASMILY IF & I TOLD HER ABOUT ME CROSSDFRESSING WELL IT DID NOT SIT TO WELL BUT WE ACT AS IF SHE …IS ANOTHER PERSON A MAID IF FACT & MY WIFE IS ALWAYS OUT OF THE HOUSAE WHEN THE MAID COMES TO CLEAN A ROOM. ITS ONE ROOM AT A TIME, A MIN OF 3 HRS REQUIRED & A PAYMENT OF EITHER 2 CHOCOLASTE BARS PER HR, OR TWO PAIR PANTY HOSE PER HR. PLEASE COMENT ASAP
Hi D.M. It sounds like you’re not having much success in explaining your feminine side to your wife. I understand your desire to be able to explore your crossdressing, but I’m not sure you’re going about things the right way. It kind of sounds like you’re charging forward despite the fact that your wife isn’t too thrilled about what you’ve put out there. If she’s not comfortable and/or not very happy about what you’ve shared so far, I suggest you let it go for a while and not bother her with it. Give her some time to let things sink in and maybe allow her the chance to bring it up to you WITHOUT you initiating the conversation first. In the meantime, crossdressing may need to remain something you explore on your own while keeping it out of your wife’s way. She may eventually be open to talking about it more in the future. She also may never warm up to the idea of you crossdressing. Some women just don’t like to think of their husband like that, and they’re allowed their feelings, just like you’re allowed yours. I recommend you give her time to think about things and not go pushing it. It may not be what you want to hear right now, but maybe you just need to keep crossdressing a private activity for a while. Be patient and let things settle down for a while. Give this article another good read through and ask yourself what you might be able to do better if/when this topic comes up again. For now, try to concentrate on things that the two of you can *both* enjoy together, at least when it comes to time spent together. I’m pretty sure there are many things you can do as a couple that brings joy to you both. What you do with your own personal time is up to you, and I suggest you make the most of that time, too. Hang in there and be patient. :)
I enjoy is every much. I been Saperated from my wife for 5 years now because of my crossdressing and love to a woman. I too can not tell her , I lost everything that day. I think this secret has to be told . My kids are grow and it just her , I think it only far to tell her why I left that day .I can tell I made my marriage a living hell, try to control this . All my friend tell to not to say a thing , and my Doctor , told me to see a Lawyer first . So this my story and Alot of days it hurts. Sandy
Hi Sandy. I’m sorry to hear about the pain and difficulties you’ve suffered. It’s not easy being different from the social “norm”. I certainly hope that you’re able to piece things back together in your life and make things work out. Try to remain strong, think things through, work toward achieving emotional stability and figure out where you’d like to be in life. Work out some goals and focus on them. Take it one day at a time, and remember you’re not alone. The pain and suffering you’ve gone through (and are still going through) has been felt in similar ways by so many others. Life ain’t easy, but if you work at it, you’ll sort things out and do well in the end. :) Best wishes, and good luck, Sandy!
you talk like the possible end of many years of marriage is eh oh well she won’t accept it, well i have to just end the marriage. Excuse me, she was the victim her, her marriage has just ended she may and probably is devestated. She did not have any idea this was coming, she had no worning, unless the husband is a non feeling, non caring person, unless he hated his marriage then it will not be a ‘TEMPORARY LOSS’ give me a break. His wife will probably suffer a nervous breakdown, her life, security, the man she loved has just sprung on her that he wants to wear lipstik and a pair of hose and who knows what else. How to inflict torture on someone you are suppose to love. Didn’t have the ball to fess up prior to the I does, then keep it to yourself now. you married under false pretenses. should be some sort of legal action
Sara, I can appreciate your passionate comment and looking out for who you feel the “victim” in all of this is. I’m not sure exactly what got you so fired up, but I have a hard time believing that my “coming out” advice is the cause. There was nothing that implied “oh well she won’t accept it, well I have to just end the marriage.” Did you read the whole article, or maybe skip through things and form the wrong idea(s) in the process?
The reason I started this site in the first place was to help dispel the negative cliches and misconceptions about crossdressing AND ease the pain of crossdressers who struggle with this aspect of their lives, as well as their loved ones, by providing insight, perspective, and opinion. I have no doubt that some women have been devastated by the news that their husband is a crossdresser. I also have no doubt that many, many more women have been devastated by the news that their NON-crossdressing husband has been cheating on them or doing any number of other things that can cause great pain end a marriage. I don’t know the statistics, but I think it is safe to say that there are probably almost as many husbands that end up devastated by the news that their wife is leaving them for (whatever) and taking their kids and half of their paycheck for the next few decades.
I’m sorry if you’ve experienced a loss in your life. I truly am, and that’s not lip service. Whatever has upset you seems to be also causing you to completely miss the point of this site, my writing, and this article in particular.
For what it’s worth, most of the people who write to me are crossdressers who are having difficulties with this aspect of their lives. Some of them are terrified of anyone finding out, period. Some are worried their wives will leave if they find out. Some write to me because their wives have just left after finding out. The point is that EVERYONE has fears, troubles and complications in their lives. No one was there for me when I struggled most with being trans and it almost drove me to literally destroy myself. If I can help put the pain and suffering of others at ease by sharing what I have learned, both realities and opinion, shouldn’t I? I can go back to being pissed off, angry, resentful, depressed and self-destructive, or choose to try and make a positive difference in the lives of others. So life gave me lemons… I choose to make lemonade… or try to, anyway.
There is absolutely NOTHING in my writing that suggests, in any way, to “inflict torture on someone you are supposed to love”, Sara. If you want to chalk me up as just another one of those “freak crossdresser deviants”, then be my guest. There’s no shortage of people who do just that, without EVER making the slightest attempt to learn what it is really all about. Wouldn’t it be sad if someone had a negative experience with a black person, and then decided to conclude that all blacks, everywhere, were bad people because of it? Sadly, some people do that, too. It’s a pretty f**ked up world we live in, isn’t it? People hating on other people they know nothing about.
Maybe when you’re feeling a little better, try and give this article another look? I think if you take some time to read it in full, and maybe some of the other articles, you will find that my intentions are genuinely at helping make a positive difference, and NOT “inflicting torture” on anyone’s spouse (or anyone, period, for that matter).
As a wife who was never given the respect of my husband telling me the truth after 20 years of marriage… Thank You Sarah for saying what I felt as I read this article.
However, I was not aware of Who and What I married. It was after stumbling on an email on his phone that I knew something was going on, prior to that I had never questioned him on anything…This I know was a stupid and naive way of thinking.
Turns out he has purchased over 100K of women’s clothes (leather and fur) after visiting our 2nd home when he was not there. When I confronted him he admitted that he is a cross dresser. He swore to me that he would never do this again. I however knew (with the quantity I found) that this was a lie. I was amazed at how good he was at lying to me for many years and even the way he brought me into his plan without my knowledge. I discovered after 21 years of giving my life to my husband that he wants to be a woman. If he had told me years ago, I would have been able to make the choices that everyone should be entitled to. As it stands, not only was I lied too, deceived and manipulated, but the pain and the hurt does not come from the “crossdressing” as much as it does from him not having the guts or courage to be honest with me.
I am not leaving due to just the cding. There are many more issues including cross dressing, fur and leather fetish, bondage urges, foot fetish, pornography and so much more . I am leaving due to no longer feeling as if I could ever trust him or our relationship again. After being married for over 20 years, never ever questioning him or saying no to him, I am hurt beyond anything I have EVER felt in my life.
He is not taking any responsibility for what he did. The amount of anger, frustration and hurt that I have felt was beyond anything I have ever felt in my life. Every time he dressed, ordered something, had me accept packages, brought me into the situation, he was lying to me. Every time he didn’t think about what it would be like for me showed how truly selfish he is. He says that this is the “only” thing he has lied to me about, when in reality it was year after year and lie after lie. I asked if he had ever gone public and there was one think that he said has held him back and that was body and facial hair. Well, I know this is now gone so, it won’t be long now. I know that he will be going public. I just wish he would wait until I was gone.
So, I believe that there is NEVER an excuse to not tell. I believe that out of respect for the wife, the wife has a right to know. I believe that anyone who would say that this is a personal thing.. that’s just a cop out and an excuse for the man who is a crossdresser, to also believe it’s OK to be a coward.
I’m very sorry to hear about the terrible ordeal you were put through POWife. Based on what you’ve shared, your soon to be ex does sound manipulative and cowardly. If there is any silver lining in your story at all, at least you finally learned the truth and will be wiser for the ordeal. Regardless of what the main reason/excuse was, manipulative behavior, deceit, lack of respect, and total disregard for the feelings of a spouse is deplorable, inexcusable behavior.
Life goes on… as does the pain, I’m sure. If you don’t mind my suggesting, I would recommend a book to you. It was very helpful to me after having been the target of a very manipulative relationship of a different kind. The book is called “Who’s Pulling Your Strings” by author Harriet Braiker. The pain and suffering you experienced has little to do with your husband being a crossdresser and EVERYTHING to do with his lying, manipulation, and disrespect. I strongly recommend you give this book a read. It is very helpful in teaching how to pick up on the signs of manipulation and revealing just how you may have been an easy target for the manipulative collusion. Keep in mind – one can only be manipulated when they are a *willing* participant – perhaps a tough pill to swallow, but very true. Read the book, and that will make a lot more sense, not to mention help prevent you from ever becoming a soft target for this kind of destructive behavior again.
After some time has passed and the healing process is well underway, I hope that you will not consider all crossdressers to be the manipulative, destructive cowards that your husband was. There is no shortage of bad people on this planet, as anyone can tell you. Unfortunately, some of these bad people are also trans, just like some of them are not. It’s important to understand exactly *what* makes a person fall into the “stay away” category. I hope you will not assume that all crossdressers are ANYTHING like your husband was to you just because of a single similarity.
Regardless, I wish you well and pray your healing process is a speedy one. Please give that book I recommended a read. I think you will find it most helpful, as I have. Good luck to you.
Thank you for your suggestion, I have ordered the book. Just know, that I don’t think all cd’ers are this way. I know that I now can see every time he continues to try and manipulate me. I now see right through the lies. That is, I believe, why I have been able to find the strengh to walk away.
I have met many men who are doing the same things he does and I do not judge them. I know that this is not something he could control. This is who he is. Unfortunatly, all of the manipulation and power he had over me was also who he was. I know that when I met him I fell deeply in love with him. For the person he allowed me to know. I asked why he never told me and his comment was that he was afraid that I would leave him. In reality, the crossdressing has very little to do with the reason that I am leaving. I have accepted many things that most women would run from because I loved him. Believe me, I have had a life that most women would have broke. Everything I have gone through and am going through has only made me stronger in life and stronger in my faith.
But, I am now planning for my future and know that I plan to take my life by the horns and make it the best possible life for me. I will say to all who have not told, believe me, the truth hurts and could be worked through, lies on the other hand does damage that takes much longer to heal.
I’m glad you went ahead and ordered the book, POWife. It sounds like you’ve learned quite a lot about manipulative behavior already for having been exposed to it for so long. The book does a really good job of breaking down the mechanics of how manipulation works so that you recognize the signs much sooner. Perhaps just as important, it explains what made you a “soft target” in the first place. Manipulative people always seek out an easy target. They know an easy target because we (we, as *former* easy targets) pretty much broadcast that we’re ripe for the picking. It’s not enough to just recognize manipulative behaviors in hindsight; after the damage is done. It’s important to change our own behavior and become a “hardened” target and stop putting out the signs to other manipulators that we’re a “target” at all.
If your husband is no good for you, and based on what you’ve written, it sounds like he is not, then you really should get out of the manipulative, destructive relationship. It’s no good for you and you deserve much better than that!
In regard to crossdressing, I’ve said it many, many times. Crossdressers/trans folk are as varied and different as non-crossdressers. I’m glad you understand that the behavior you witnessed in your husband has very little to do with his crossdressing and everything to do with the kind of person he is. I don’t give ANY crossdresser a blank check for poor behavior, any more than I would give any non-crossdresser, nor should anyone. If anything, I’m that much more disgusted when poor behavior is coming from a crossdresser/transgender.
I hope this doesn’t sound the wrong way, but when I read your latest comment, it made me smile. I know full well how the selfish, deceptive game manipulative people play can take such a heavy emotional toll on their victim… BUT you’re not talking like a victim. You’re talking like a **survivor**! That is why I smiled – you weathered the storm, recognized what went wrong, understood that you’re worth better than that, and have made the very important choice to “take your life by the horns”. Good for you!! :) Seriously, so many people choose to remain in relationships that are no good for them, but you obviously love yourself and respect yourself enough to know it’s time to put an end to that. That’s what I like to see. Your emotional pain is far from over, I’m sure, but in making that healthy choice to do better in life, and understanding that you do indeed deserve better, your emotional healing has already begun. Focus on the silver lining here. Bad things happen to people – to every one of us. We can let those bad things bring us down, break our will, and become bitter, miserable people, OR we can learn from the troubles we faced and *survived* and become smarter, wiser, better people for it.
I believe you *will* take your life by the horns, POWife, and I’m so glad you took the time to share. I have a very low tolerance for people who selfishly prey upon the good intentions of others, having been the “prey” many times myself. It’s an inspiration to others every time someone stands up and decides they’re NOT going to be the prey or target anymore. Life is too short for that garbage. The pain may not be over, but I know you’re going to do well in the long run. You’ll do fine because you’ve made your choice and you know that chasing after dreams that are lies is as smart as jumping off a cliff expecting to fly. Many best wishes to you! :)
I was dating my wife on the Internet when I told her . She understands that it is a thing that comes over me. Like now I’m dressed up. She is okey with it as long as I keep it here in my room when she is not around . Will I work graves and she works days so I have a lot of time to dress.
I think this make my love for her stronger because she understands. Why she says she does not want me to dress infront of her is because she married me as a man and that is what she wants me to be. I know I’m a man and that is all I want to be. But there are time I want to ware my femmie cloths.
Tammy
I tried to tell my other it didnt go so well. She did not really accept it. She actually seen me enfemme and still doesnt believe I like to do this.
Hi Ashley. I’m sorry your coming out didn’t go well between you and your significant other. Not all women will be open to being involved with a crossdressing partner. They’re allowed that, just as everyone is allowed their personal preferences in romantic relationships. You may consider trying to find a woman with whom you are more compatible with (who will love and honor you as you are), or perhaps just keep this aspect of your life to yourself, if you choose to remain with your current partner. Either way, I hope you’re able to find a solution that works and allows for a happy relationship AND also allows for you to live and explore your femininity. Wishing you all the best. :)
Gabrielle, first let me say that you seem like a very intelligent and thoughtful person. I thank you for your site, as a developer its very well done! Now on to my ‘story’. I am a 55 year old male that has enjoyed wearing hose and high heels for 30+ years. I have not tried full dressing yet. Is that strange that i just want the hose and heels? It has always been in secret. My current wife of 20+ years had no idea that this was something I liked to do. Oh, we had one or two times where she would okay with me putting on hose and have sex, but those were few and far between and just when she was the initiator. So, recently I decided to take the plunge as it were, when she left to visit her son to finally order me some nice high heels and hose and a similar pair for her. The plan was when she returned to show her ‘her’ items, then see what she thought if I had something similar to wear, and based on her reaction I was going to put on my hose and heels and see where it went. Sadly, she came back ill and was not feeling well for a few weeks, so I had to put it off. During that time the CC bill came in and she found the charges and then all I could tell her was that it was for something for her to wear (which wasn’t a lie as I did buy her some items too). She found my boxes of heels and hose and the ‘stuff’ hit the fan so to speak. Then came your myths… was I gay, was I having sex with another man, accusing me of all kinds of things. I have since tried to explain to her that I am not gay, it is just something I like. That there is no sexual thrill from it (but it certainly can turn into one easily), I, like you, feel it is just something that relaxes me, makes me feel more of who I am and want to be. I am not looking for justification on who and what I want to wear, just some advice maybe and a sympathetic ear. After reading your blog and site, you seem to have a very comfortable handle on this all. I love my wife and don’t want to lose her to this, but I don’t want to go back into the closet to wear or dress how I want. Thoughts?
Thanks again for a very insightful site!
Best Regards,
C
Hi Craig. I’m sorry things didn’t quite go as planned with your coming out to your wife. :(
The best thing to do right now is to accept what has happened and not to let your mind get the best of you. Most people know little to nothing about how crossdressing *really* works, and often what little they *think* they know, are the fallacies and misconceptions covered in my “Crossdressing Myths” articles.
Your wife currently has no real understanding about your crossdressing and her mind seems to have filled the blanks with all the wrong answers. This is a common “fear response”. You may have experienced a similar fear response with your own fears of loosing your marriage over this. The good news is that in most cases, the fear response of jumping all the way to the worst case scenario is not accurate. You don’t know what your wife will do any more than she knows what crossdressing is about. She may say things out of fear, anger, frustration, etc., and if that is the case, do your best to let it slide. Don’t argue with her or take offense to her comments/inquiries at this point. She may be blowing off steam as she works through “what this means”. If she is (blowing off steam), it’s a sign that she is not ready to talk and listen yet.
If, on the other hand, she is asking questions in a genuinely inquisitive way (which you should be able to determine, based on your understanding of her behaviors), this is your opportunity to let her know about the realities of how crossdressing works in your life.
You’re going to need to determine where you’re wife is, emotionally. This may be somewhat difficult if you, yourself, are feeling uneasy and worried about a worst case outcome, so do your best to remain focused on what *is*, and not mentally venture into “what might be”. Simply put, you don’t know what will happen in the future, so I strongly recommend you do not borrow negativity from a future that has not, and may not ever happen. It doesn’t do anyone any good. Remain focused on right now. Center yourself. You’ve been married and enjoyed a beautiful marriage this long and every marriage has its bumps. This is just another bump in the road for now. Nothing more.
You may need to allow your wife some time to let things settle into her mind. Again, if she’s angry and acting in fear-mode, it’s not a good time to discuss anything. Try to put yourself in her shoes (no pun intended – seriously!). She’s just had a scare, however unwarranted her fear response, but she doesn’t know that yet. Just let her be until you feel that she may be receptive to *meaningful* discussion.
When things have calmed down with your wife (or as close there to as you can tell), let her know you’d like to discuss things. Make sure this is not done in a way that seems as if you’ve “screwed up” or “made some mistake” that you’re about to ask forgiveness for. You want to *share* yourself with her. If she seems open to discussion, then you share. Of course, before you engage in this discussion, make sure you’re well prepared for it, yourself.
It may be a lot for your wife to wrap her head around at first. Remember, until you explain things to her, her mind is still filled with all the misconceptions and garbage that’s been floating around mainstream society for a long, long time. Wiping out those misconceptions may take some time. You’ll need to be very patient and allow your wife the time she needs to fully digest this new, *factual* information. Even if you explain things superbly, she may still get caught up on some of the misconceptions and myths for a while. Again, this is normal, and your job is to be patient, understanding, and keep reiterating the facts. Patience and calmness are key here, too. It may be a good idea to have her review (together, with you) the articles on this site that you feel may be most helpful in her understanding. Don’t push if she’s not open to it, though. Again – patience.
You both may need some time to work through this. You *have* hidden something important from her for a long time, and that is the one thing you did wrong. Although you need not be forgiven for being *who you are*, you may need to allow your wife some time to forgive you for keeping such a secret from her. Be patient.
I hope this has helped a little. Hang in there, Craig. Wishing you and your wife all the best! :)
Gabrielle, thank you for advice. I was hoping to talk to her about your site and see if she would be interested in ‘learning’ more about this once (hopefully) she has had time to process all this and we can talk about it more. Your insight has made me feel a thousand times better about my decision. Thanks again, and hopefully next time I post it will be with better news. :)
B/R
Craig
You’re welcome, Craig. I hope things work out well between you two. :)
I didn’t think to mention this point in my previous comment. If your wife continues to be uneasy with your crossdressing, even after it’s been explained, discussed, and seemingly “understood”, the following may be helpful. Ask her if crossdressing would still bother her if it wasn’t considered a social taboo. Ask her if crossdressing was considered as “normal” in society as being left-handed, or perhaps having an exceptionally high IQ, and if it was not looked down upon by the mainstream, if she would still resist acceptance. The point of this line of questioning is to determine what is the root cause of her uneasiness. Some women simply do not like the idea of a feminine man in any way, and that’s just their preference. We all have our preferences and there’s nothing wrong with that. If, on the other hand, her struggle with accepting your crossdressing seems to be more tied into the social taboo element, it may be possible to alleviate her uneasiness by pointing out the plentiful examples of how society has wrongfully frowned upon a great many things in the past, just as it wrongfully frowns on many very **normal** human traits still today (such as transgenderism). You may consider bringing up how it was once considered unthinkable for a woman to be allowed an education. A little more recent on the timeline was the “absurdity” of women being allowed to vote. Come on – women voting? They’re not smart enough to do that! See how ridiculous that sounds? And yet that was a very serious argument not too long ago. Don’t forget that the world once collectively believed the world was flat, a misconception that never changed the *reality* of the fact that the world was *never* flat, no matter how many people believed it. There are plenty of examples of how society got it wrong (and still continues to). Some are scattered throughout my writing on this site, and plenty more may be discovered with a little research of your own.
It is written in “A Course in Miracles”, “Who but the insane would undertake to believe what is not true, and then protect this belief at the cost of truth?” My point here is that society, collectively, is very much “insane”. It is up to each of us as human beings to *choose* to break free from the insanity of believing and subscribing to lies at the cost of truth and reality, and to enlighten those who do not yet know better.
Hi Gabrielle,
Well some good news. Wife and I had a very long talk the other day, and while she still is not sure of all this, she has at least come to accept that this is something I do. She has even accepted and agreed that I can wear my heels when ever I feel the need to. (YEA! – baby steps :) )
Yes, it was a very long and good talk using several of the points that you bring up on your site. I thank you very much for being able to express this in a healthy and logical way. It really has helped so far. I plan to visit often and keep you posted to my success.
B/R
Craig
That’s terrific! :) Thanks for the update, Craig.
Again, you’re very welcome and I’m happy to have been able to offer some helpful insight. I really love to hear positive stories like yours. Sharing how things went with you and your wife may also help provide a little inspiration for those who still feel stuck in the closet without options.
I’m glad you used the term “baby steps”. It’s a process and may take some time to fully play out to the point where you and your wife have both reached an optimal level of mutual understanding and full acceptance/freedom. The key is to communicate openly, be understanding, patient and respect each other’s feelings. There may be some going back and forth, or “bumps”, like all marriages experience. That’s normal. Keep moving along a healthy path and things will get sorted out.
Perhaps in time, you may find yourself in a position to offer help to someone else. We all have the power to touch the lives of others in powerful, positive ways. We *all* benefit from doing so, collectively, too. All boats rise together.
Love and best wishes to you and your wife, Craig. :)
Dear Gabrielle and everyone who posted here:
I told my wife early on in our marriage (23 years ago) that I have this urge to CD. I told her that I have been dressing up since I was a little kid. I also disclosed to her that I was abused by two older boys when I was 9-10, often playing the role of a female in our little games. What was strange was that I enjoyed the roles that I played. These games usually happened after school at my house while my mom and dad worked. My wife indicated that she was not receptive to my CD, that I should stop using my childhood abuse experience as an excuse to CD. She also added that she does not want to ever see me in drag because the image will be forever burned in her mind, which will be a turnoff while having sex together. She also threatened me that she would leave me if I did not comply. In our 22 year anniversary, I had an issue of E.D. for the first time in my life. I had been self-treating myself for Benign Prostatic Hyperplasia with herbal medication such as Saw Palmetto, Red Clover. Then I started to experiment with taking Pueraria Mirifica. After 3 months my BPH symptoms completely disappeared, but as a result my breast size increased to an A cup, my estrogen levels increased to 3 times higher than the limit while testosterone levels decreased to a level slightly higher than the lower limit. I’m thinking that this change in my hormone levels probably contributed to my E.D episode. I don’t know whether or not if this change has contributed also to my increased desire to dress up more than ever. I am spending more and more money on women’s clothing, and more than once I have ventured out into the public in NYC. Because I work 80 miles away from my house I have rented an apartment away from my residence. This situation has further complicated things, in a way that I can no longer control my urge to dress up, I actually want to stay as a woman. My wife things that because I have enlarged breasts and very little body and facial hair that I am turning into a woman. The two E.D. episodes did not help. You know to be honest if I was 25 years younger in today’s society where crossdressing is somewhat more acceptable, I would probably go for HRT and an operation. But, I feel that it is too late and I am too old and have lost some hair due to a receding hairline. Therefore I do not think of myself as a passable unless I wear a wig. I am confused and cannot talk to my wife about it because I know that she would leave me. She has already cut me off from sex. To further complicate things I have a 19 year old son, who thinks very highly of me. I don’t know what to do. Can I just go cold turkey, I don’t want to lose my family.
I will be married 19 years this summer to me best friend and husband. We share one teenager. At first he told me it was just dressing up and he felt like a lesbian in a mans body. He didnt do this often and I helped him buy clothes and dress and I thought we had mutual respect.
Then he started going on dating sites and even met others in a bar while in a business trip but swears nothing happened. There are missing condones.
He swears he never had sex.
He then confides in me that he is bi curious now. And that he thinks if becoming a woman perm every month and would not likely do this due to money and people’s reactions at work.
I asked him what about our marriage? He didn’t seem to have a answer fir that. It was almost as if I said something wrong. He says he can’t promise what the future holds anymore cause he can’t make promises to me!
What about our marriage? Wasn’t that a promise?
I am sick to my stomach. I am almost 50 and never worked. We have a child. What will happen? I cry constantly.
Hi Pleasehelpme. I’m so sorry to hear about what has taken place in your marriage. It sounds like your husband may be reaching a point where he needs “something more” in his life – as in, something he cannot find in his marriage and/or in his current life situation.
If he cannot answer questions as to where your marriage stands, his ability to remain faithful to you, and you believe there is dishonesty going on, the writing may already be on the wall. Secrets, dishonesty and the expression of sexual needs that fall outside the marital agreement are never a good sign for the health of a marriage.
If he is willing to participate, you may consider seeing a marriage counselor. The counselor may be able to mediate and offer guidance in how to communicate the issues, needs, uncertainties, etc., that you are both experiencing.
I wish I had something more uplifting to offer, but the brief picture you paint doesn’t sound very promising. If there is some confusion going on with your husband, some kind of counseling is the best route to go.
Whatever happens, I hope you will not look poorly upon trans folk everywhere because of how your husband has behaved and all he has put you through. Everyone is different, trans or not. Secrets, lying, and extra marital affairs are certainly NOT unique to any group of people. About half of all marriages end in divorce because the married couple did not have enough in common to hold them together.
There is no excuse for dishonesty in a marriage. It is very common for married people to be attracted to other people (who they are not married to). The problem is when an attraction becomes a curiosity that cannot go unanswered – that is called cheating, period. Gender and sexual orientation have nothing to do with it.
Again, I am sorry I do not have something more uplifting to offer. Look into marital counseling and take it from there. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Hang in there. Whatever happens, do your best to remain strong and emerge from this a better, happier person than you were to start. You may consider personal counseling of your own to help with that. Change can be painful, but it doesn’t mean that life is over. It will take a lot of work, but you can indeed turn this around and wind up happier, healthier, and better off than you ever have been. Hang in there and wishing you all the best!
Hi, been reading some of the posts here and gotta say that everyone and every situation is different. My wife and I have been together since our early teens and we’ve been married for over 35 yrs. I have have always had fetish for lingerie, lace and silk for as long as I care to remember. Of course this was not something that I discussed with my wife nor did I tell her when I masturbated but we all do, male and female. I began to introduce the cd element into our sex life, similar to spanking, we experimented. I now dress quite regularly as my wife’s sissy maid with stockings suspenders knickers and she even bought the uniform for me from an Adult sex wear shop. I dress up to serve her and fetch her drinks give her a body and foot massage as way of foreplay. We both find it erotic and a turn on and she is in control which is kinda unusual in our vanilla relationship as I can be quite domineering and like to be the one in charge, my wife says I’m a bully, ha ha. So maybe she sees it as a way to get her own back so to speak, however to begin with, I know she was pretty confused by my willingness to become her maid and she will not allow me to transform completely with make up wig etc but does permit me to wear some lipstick and will apply this herself during our foreplay. Initially she wanted to know if I was planning on a 24/7 transformation to become a woman or to cd all the time. Once I had reassured her that I was still in love with her she appeared more accepting of our now kinky games, as she likes to call it, [afterward] we both undress have a drink and relax. We like to keep it our secret the same as we both believe that our sex life has absolutely nothing to do with anyone else. we are a normal couple with 4 kids and a grandchild now, so what is wrong with introducing a bit of fetish into your sex life, better than being unfaithful. msjane is not my real name of course but is the name I use as a submissive sissy maid to my wife/mistress.
Hiya Gabe,
Long time no type :). Well, where I thought things were going good, it seemes to have taken a back step. My wife said that while I could ‘do’ what I wanted, every time I dressed up in my heels and hose, she just got belligerent. I went to therapist to discuss, and she had no issues and helped me understand that this was just something that I was going to do. Understood that it made me feel ‘comfortable’. I am at a loss right now to say what is going on. I bought other clothes, and while I like them, wife said if I wore them, then that was ‘it’….I hate ultimatums. I will always rebel against them! Any way, thought I would check in and tell ya hi. What a saga this has become. But I am in good spirits, I just wish that I had a wife like yours who is understanding of what/who you are. Please tell her she is special!
B/R
Hi Craig. I’m sorry to hear that your wife has issued “the ultimatum”. It’s “the ultimatum” that many crossdressers get from their wives/girlfriends – the big one, the “stop or we’re through”, sometimes with, “you’ll never see your kids again!” It really saddens me when this happens. My heart goes out to you AND your wife.
I love your spirit in “rebelling against ultimatums”, but maybe consider more of a “confidently standing your ground on how you can and will live your life” rather than prepare for a marital rebellion of sorts. Your wife’s approach in dealing with your differences isn’t going to solve any problems because whatever the outcome, there will be more friction in the future because of it. Even so, I’m sure she’s just doing what she understands might “help” your marriage. Try to keep that in mind.
You two aren’t bracing for battle, so try not to get caught up in heated debate, arguments, manipulation tactics, etc. Talking is good. Arguing = fail. Nothing good will come of anything charged with negative energy, such as arguing. More often than not, most arguments turn into a case of one person having to *prove* the other person wrong, at all costs, and the argument becomes a platform for destroying the adversary’s case rather than a means to resolving problems. If your wife needs to blow off some steam, try to just take it in stride and realize that she’s just blowing off steam. Don’t take it as a personal attack, and don’t *make* it into one, either.
Try to peacefully make it clear that you’re not doing anything wrong and if she doesn’t want any part of it, that’s just fine. No married couple shares *all* interests. We all have our separate activities. Watch for an opportunity to *talk* about things, and not argue or fight. She may never warm up to your being trans, but if the love is there, and you have enough compatibility, respect, etc., then you should be able to reach an understanding. Wishing you both all the best! :)
About my wife – she’s an amazing woman and I let her know VERY regularly! Her acceptance of my being trans does not make for a “perfect marriage”, though. There’s no such thing as a perfect marriage. We have our moments – trust me. It’s just that being trans isn’t a “friction point” in our marriage. That’s all. All married couples have their issues. The trick is learning how to communicate effectively with one another, which takes a lot of time, patience and effort AND checking the ego at the door. Again – all the best! :)
I have worn women’s heels and nails in secret since I was about 18 – I’m 46 now. I used to have lots of shoes that I kept hidden in a trunk. Then I got married and threw them all out. My wife does not know. I have spent hundreds of dollars on shoes that I wear in hotel rooms when I travel for work. I leave the shoes in the room usually with a note saying to take them home. I haven late to work many times because I put on press-on nails and drive around for an hour or so before taking them off and going to work. Lately though it has become almost an obsession. I want so badly to be who I really am. I just think I look better in heels and with French nails. I have tried full cding and I look silly. Right now I’m sitting in a hotel room in my own city so i can wear the clothes that make me feel comfortable and attractive. I am so sick of hiding this. About a month ago I nearly killed myself because of guilt and shame. I told some very close friends at my work and one guy admitted to me that he was gay. He took me to a place where I could dress like I want without getting beat up. It was liberating I had such a good time. I am right now trying to work up the courage to go home and tell my wife. My therapist says I will probably lose my kids if I am honest about my situation. I love my wife and would love to go for a manicure or shoe shopping with her but I am so frightened that she will not be accepting of this part of who I am. Thank you for the advice on telling her.
Hi Stephen. Thank you for sharing. I’m saddened to hear about your struggles and completely understand how it feels to go through it. It’s different for each one of us, but one thing many of us have in common is the self-torture we out ourselves through. The guilt, denial-of-self, feeling as if something is wrong with us, simply for wanting so much to be who we are inside, etc. – that really takes a toll.
I tried to take my life because I couldn’t live with who I was. This was many years ago when I hated myself for being who I am and felt that there was no way to ever truly be who I am. Thankfully, I did not succeed. I hope and pray that you do not even try it. Trust me when I tell you – no matter what happens, life is ALWAYS worth living! That’s the truth. The pain you feel today is temporary and will not last forever, whatever that pain may be. It’s always temporary. It’s not easy to understand that when you’re in the thick of it, but trust that is is the truth.
There’s nothing to feel guilty about, Stephen. Your guilt is a manifestation of incorrect thinking and an unfortunate dose of cognitive dissonance. Your personal realities are out of sync with your personal expectations of yourself. Those self-expectations are more than likely the result of years of social conditioning (programming). It’s ok to be who you are. You *do* get a say in your own life, you know! If you live your life to please others at the cost of your own personal happiness, these terrible feelings will persist. You were not meant to like like this. You were made to be as you are for a reason. If you resist being yourself, the price is your continued misery and feelings of guilt. Taking steps to allow yourself to be yourself in today’s society may not be easy, but everyone has their battles in life. It’s not just trans folk who struggle.
You have the right to be yourself, Stephen. You’re allowed. You don’t need anyone’s permission, you’re just allowed to be yourself, period. In choosing to be yourself, your life may change in ways that hurt at first, but hang in there. There is something beautiful on the other side of the pain and struggled, and that’s the truth. Take things at a pace you’re comfortable with. Get yourself together and have the talk with your wife. Be prepared for the questions, and be prepared for the potential for her to be upset. You need to allow her to go through whatever emotions she needs to go through and be patient and supportive of her while she works through it (if she struggles – she may not). If she says things that hurt you, keep in mind that people often lash out when they’re presented with something that they feel threatened by. The words usually don’t mean anything – it’s a knee-jerk reaction to the fear of the unexpected.
Hang in there, Stephen. The journey ahead may have some bumps, but nothing you can’t handle. You need to believe in yourself. I believe in you! Rise to your own greatness and start taking steps to free yourself from the mental trappings that hold you in this painful place. One step at a time. One day at a time.
Sending positive energies your way. Wishing you all the best – to you and your wife. :)
Thank you so much for addressing me personally. I am so relieved to know that I am not alone – and not a freak. You are right of course – social conditioning has made this unacceptable. When I was in the hospital, one of the nurses said to me, “No one tells me what clothes to put on when I get ready for work. I pick out what I like. . . So should you”. If the whole world were full of people with that kind of attitude it would be a much better place.
You’re also right that I need to get it together and tell her. I am starting work with a therapist to help me find the courage to do it.. This website has been a lifesaver for me. Thank you again.
You’re welcome, Stephen. :) No, you’re not alone and you’re certainly not a freak! Cognitive dissonance is a daunting beast to face, but overcome it, you will. Just remember the feeling – the shame, feeling like a freak, feeling “wrong”, etc. Whenever you feel that vibe within you, recognize it as the work of cognitive dissonance; your social programming engaging in intellectual battle with your true self. When these feelings arise, know that the discomfort, worry and fear are the lies. Your body doesn’t know the difference between reality and mental dramas, though, hence the physical sensations of anxiety, worry and fear. Your body follows your thoughts, so try to focus on the *reality* of things. We all have our struggles in life, and that is not limited to trans folk.
I love that story about the nurse who encouraged your to follow your *own* path, and not the socially-conditioned garbage others would have you follow, at the cost of your own personal happiness in life. Thank you for sharing that.
You will find plenty of people like that. They’re not always easy to spot because the manipulators and jerks of the world kind of stick out more, but open-minded, loving, good people are greater numbers than you know.
I haven’t written about it on my site (and will try to when the time is available), but I’ve been meeting with other local trans folk lately. Each group I’ve met up with has greeted me with nothing but open-mindedness, acceptance, coolness, love, and friendship. They’re genuinely happy that I’ve entered their lives, and I don’t have words to describe how very happy and fortunate I am to have met up with each of them.
Working with a good therapist is a good first step. They will help you sort through the confusing feelings and debug the incorrect thinking (social conditioning). When you’re ready, and discuss this with your therapist, too, I suggest you find a local trans group and join them. Do your research, first. Make sure it’s a support-group type of gathering. I think you’ll find out just how cool trans folk are, and count yourself happy to be blessed with the gift of being trans, yourself.
The world is changing, Stephen. We have a long way to go, but I am very encouraged by all the love and positive energy I find in the growing number of trans folk I am fortunate to meet. Remember that many trans folk are still in the closet, or perhaps only “out” online and not yet in person. We are much greater in numbers than anyone truly knows. My point is that you should never feel alone in this again.
You have some tough steps to take, and the first steps in this journey are often the hardest. There may be some turbulence as your life changes, and it *will* change, but the rewards are priceless. You’ve never felt truly free before, but you will in time. It’s human nature to want/need to be free. Don’t let the manipulators out there get in your way.
I offer you this quote by Dr. Wayne Dyer:
“Love is the ability and willingness to allow those that you care for to be what they choose for themselves without any insistence that they satisfy you.”
Recognize real love when you see it. And recognize manipulative use of the word “love” when you see that, too. Love will only set you free. It does not try to control or limit you – that is what manipulative people do. Love will make you feel at peace. Manipulation will have you feeling guilty and depressed. Follow your feelings and they will help guide your path.
Hang in there, Stephen. You’re stronger than you think, and you’re on you way to a happier, healthier, more fulfilling life. Just take it one step at a time. Always focus on the step at hand, and not multiple future things at once. Here and now – that is where you exist, always. Make good use of “now”, and don’t get overwhelmed with the “whole thing at once”.
Love and best wishes! :)
I just found your site today and have been reading some. I find not only you’re views interesting, but also your attitudes toward life in general.
I would like to offer a little of my story and a little more positive outcome to hopefully encourage others who are “wondering”. I’m 41, married, with 2 kids and an ex-wife, and have been wearing lingerie since I was in my mid-teens. It had always been an odd, hard-to-handle thing that I kept to myself with the requisite amount of “shame and guilt” that comes from a lack of understanding. I had discussed it once with a counselor I was working with while going through my divorce (the reasons for the divorce were TOTALLY not involved with my cross-dressing). My counselor didn’t seem at all shocked but her reassurance that this behavior wasn’t abnormal or “deviant” didn’t soothe me much at that time. I was still trying to deny this part of who I am.
After the divorce, I had experienced a short period of freedom to dress as I wanted to at home since I was living by myself and didn’t have to worry about anyone “finding out”. I purchased some new lingerie for myself, having purged my closet in a vain attempt to save my first marriage (I was willing to try anything).
The urge to dress would come and go, but never totally went away. I found it a nice “escape” from the stress of defining a new life for myself, and I figured it was safer than drowning my sorrows in alcohol.
About 4 years ago, I met a wonderful woman to whom I’ve been married for 3 years now. We both connected on such a deep level with each other that I felt I could let my guard down. Our life thus far has been more than I could ever have hoped for, but I still hadn’t told her about the cross-dressing I so enjoyed. I kept it in secret, trying to suppress and/or deny the urges to dress up, as well as denying how good and natural it made me feel. To clarify slightly, I do not have a desire (so far…) to dress completely femme but prefer the comfort of lingerie under my normal attire if going out, or to wear silky loungewear around the house.
About 3 months ago, she had started caressing my body with her silky and satin undergarments while being intimate and I got up the courage to ask if I could try them on. She even helped me put them on and commented on how “hot” I looked in them. Since then, she has suggested on multiple occasions if I would like to wear her silky panties, even setting aside a couple of pairs just for me.
Last night, I broached the subject of my cross-dressing, which met with an inquisitive stare and some thoughtful questions. I answered those I could honestly, told her I was unsure of my feelings on some that I didn’t have good answers for, and generally reassured her that our relationship was in a good place and she had nothing to fear as far as infidelity or deception on my part. She understood when I explained why this had taken so long for me to bring to her, that this is a sensitive topic for me and I wanted to find the right time for both of us. Your advise about making sure plenty of time is available and there are no other stressors around is totally spot-on, Gabrielle. We probably talked for an hour about this. I told her this was a part of me, and though it didn’t necessarily define me, it was another facet of me that makes me what I uniquely am. I also told her I was tired of denying it and wanted to discover and learn more about this. She told me this was something she wanted to explore with me and reassured me she loved me, no matter what.
I have made up my mind not to push her too hard, to try to move at a pace we’re both comfortable with, but to pursue this with her more diligently. I also let her know that this is not only about me dressing, but how much I enjoy it when she dresses nice for me, too. For those of you who have not experienced it, unconditional love is the most powerful rush around. Don’t give up on finding it because somewhere there is someone that will give it to you, and she may well be married to you if you push past the fear of the unknown. I wish all of you who have not yet come to terms with what you uniquely are, or faced a spouse or significant other with it, the best of luck on your journey.
I just wanted to share my story and possibly give a little hope. My husband, then boyfriend, told me very early on in our relationship. I loved him so I was willing to explore with him. We have gone shopping together and gone out with him dressed as well. I love him even more today than I did that day. I understand that many of you are scared but I am so grateful that I have known since the beginning. By telling me he has been able to explore in ways he wasn’t able to before. I love surprising him with cute panties and doing his makeup for him before he goes out. Cross dressing is something he enjoys and I want my husband to be happy. I hope you all are able to tell your significant others and I hope that they understand.
Hi Vickie. Thank you so much for sharing that! I can tell you share such a beautiful, loving relationship with your spouse. Clearly being open to and exploring his feminine side with him has brought more happiness into his life, and also enriched your own life with that much more happiness – the both of you together1 I really love to hear stories like this!
All my love, respect and best wishes to you both! May your happiness flourish and love grow deeper over a long, long beautiful life together! :)
I appreciate all you have done for myself and my family. My name is harry and after contacting so many fake spell casters that only played with my heart you´d got what I wanted: my family back. Your sincere kindness and thoughtfulness inspires me. You have touched my heart deeply and I will forever be grateful that you got rid of all the negative influences that surrounded my wife and I. Now we are back and my son is very happy again, with his parents together… All my gratefulness
Hi Harry. Thank you so much for letting me know about your beautiful and touching “happy ending” story!! I’m so honored and grateful to have played a helpful role in sorting things out with you and your family. I hope others will find inspiration in your story.
Love and best wishes to you and your family! :)
Hi Gabrielle, I have trawled the internet for ways to approach my wife about crossdressing and your article is excellent. I have been wearing women’s undies since I was a young boy,I’m now 30. It started with my mums tights and stockings, I just loved the feel of silk and nylon.This then progressed to her dresses and shoes, then eventually wigs and make up in my late teens. I was once caught by mum wearing her stockings and skirt when she came home I was in the lounge watching porn. She quickly phoned my dad and they cried for days but this was quickly passed off as a phase to them but it never went away for me. I think these reactions have scared me from telling my wife who iv been married to for 8 years now with 2 beautiful children. My urge to dress as only become stronger though and i feel now could be the time to come clean. She is quite open minded, she dresses in sexy outfits and lingerie in the bedroom we experiment a bit. I have been wearing her clothes for years and got my own wig use her make up etc. She found a photo of me once on the pc of me dressed as a women I passed this off as a joke and it was photoshopped. She is wonderful and very understanding but I don’t want to loose my kids and her. I would love to stop the sneaking around and lying and just enjoy my dressing with her even if it is just behind closed doors. I would love some advice and thoughts before I make a decision to tell her, many thanks x
You’re welcome. :) It’s the right thing to do, Lady Laura – being open and honest with your wife. Take your time, collect your thoughts, be prepared for a lot of questions, and make sure you address the questions (and any concerns) with love, honesty and compassion. Relax, be at peace, and fill yourself with gratitude for all you have in your wife and family, just before coming out. Everything will work out just fine. Love and best wishes. :)
Well Gabrielle, I finally plucked up the courage last night. My heart was racing I felt sick, it was very difficult to find the words. At first she was laughing and thought I was joking, she asked what exactly id been wearing and when. The more I told her the quieter and more upset she became. She hasn’t spoke about it since, I don’t know how to handle it from here any help would be great, thanks.
I’m sorry to hear your coming out experience didn’t go as smooth as desired, Lady Laura. With the “coming out” part out of the way (or at least started, as it can often be a process and series of conversations), let’s focus on the positive. You did it. You found the courage to share to your wife some important information about who you are.
Now your wife has gone quiet on the subject and you’re not sure what to do next. Here’s what *not* to do. Don’t allow your mind gremlins to get the best of you. You know – that voice in your head that keeps second guessing everything and spinning tales of gloom and doom. If you concentrate on “gloom and doom” in your mind, you may just help make it reality. So let’s concentrate on a beautiful, happy marriage and family life and how to make *that* the reality.
How were things just before you came out? How did you interact with your wife and kids? That is how you should continue to act. Nothing has changd, after all. You’re the same person you were before coming out. Why act any different now? The answer is don’t act different.
Your wife may need some time to process what you’ve shared with her. She may be wondering, “What does this all mean?” In reality, it doesn’t mean anything. It’s just part of who you are, period. Since nothing has changed and you’re still the same wonderful person she fell in love with and raising a family together, let her continue to see that. Center yourself and continue to be who you’ve always been. If it feels a little mechanical at first, roll with it. Go through the motions and find the rhythm to your life that has always been natural.
Be patient with your wife, attentive to her needs, and very compassionate. She may be quiet and/or cold in the immediate future, and maybe even somewhat adversarial, without cause, about unrelated things. Let it slide. Don’t fire back if it feels like she’s looking to start an argument. Just let her say the things she needs to say, remain calm, and then do what you can to *show* her (not just tell her) that everything is good, normal, peaceful and nothing is going to change for the worst.
In time, she may want to talk about things. Your job is to let her say what she needs to say, and then respond to her questions, concerns, etc. in a calm and caring way. It’s very important that you not express any shame in who you are because there’s nothing to be ashamed of. If you show shame in who you are, then she’ll learn that this is shameful, wrong, bad, etc. Maybe she’s thinking that already on some level, but how you treat it – the energy you put into it, has a lot to do with how it will sit in her over the long term. Make sure it’s positive energy! If she asks you questions you’re not sure how to respond to, then don’t respond to them. Tell her you need some time to compose your thoughts properly before getting into it, and stick to your guns on that. Best not to say anything, than say the wrong thing and complicate the situation.
It’s ok to apologize for not telling her befor you got married. Own up to that. It’s NOT ok to apologize for who you are. There’s nothing wrong with who you are and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Showing your wife patience, compassion, and dependibility are most needed in the immediate future. Give her the time she needs to work through things. If she says hurtful things, keep in mind that she may not truly mean them, but rather is just lashing out in anger. Don’t lash-back – just let it slide. Remain calm, no matter how you may be feeling inside. You’re going to treat her with love, kindness and respect – just as you would hope she will (again soon) treat you. And you’re going to let her know that no matter what, you’ve got her back. You’ll always be there for her.
If/when she does show that she’s ready to talk about things, as in really talk about things, and not complain or just express her frustration, consider having some good resources available to review with her. If you found value in something written on my site, then have that ready to go, if/when the time is right. If you have found other good materials out there, that you feel may help your wife better understand you – something that really resonates with you, then have that ready and available to share when the time is right.
Hang in there. This may take a while to get through. Treat things with love, care, kindness, compassion, and patience, and just be the best you that you can be.
Thank you so much. Me and my wife are now talking she’s done some research and asked the questions. She has said she doesn’t want to get involved just yet so we are going to set some boundaries but she said in time she may. I just feel a whole lot happier in myself. I urge anyone who is thinking of coming out to do it for yourself and your partner, you’ll be surprised. Thank you again so much for your site and advice xx
That’s fantastic, Lady Laura! :) So happy to hear things are looking better for you and your wife! Thank you for the update. Wishing you and yours all the best!! :)
I’m slowly working up the courage to tell my wife, but part of my challenge is that I don’t know how I want the conversation to end.
Part of the conversation, of course, is to tell her I enjoy x-dressing, but I think it is also important to get her OK for the parameters by which I continue, and I have no idea what that is. What is it that I want? Do I want her to dress/play with me? Let me shop freely but dress discretely? Is it ok for me to dress with other gurls?
I’m not sure what I want, and I have no idea what she is likely to agree to.
I don’t know if I can trust my instincts, but my sense is that she suspects that I dress and avoids talking about it at all costs. My sense also is that telling her would do great harm to the marriage, because she will receive the news very negatively, and the marriage is important to me.
It probably doesn’t help that I my legs are much thinner and more toned than hers are, and she couldn’t get away wearing the short skirts and tight blouses that I can. She’s overweight and I’m not, and I think she could be troubled by this.
But I must admit I feel quite burdened carrying around this secret.
Thanks, all, for any insights.
Jamie
j
I came out to my wife after reading tbis article. She fully accepted it. Whe i first told she seemend shocked. But after the conversation she wanted to see me dressed up, so i got myself all done up and i thought she was going lose it ..instead she had fun with it, she helped me dress, she loves doing my makeup, and when she goes shopping she always buys a femm outfit or article of clotbing for me aswell. I am truly blessed to have such a women who is so accepting of it and enjoys me in the activitie.
My fiance recently told me that he cross dresses. We’ve been together for almost two years. I think the only reason he told me was due to the fact that I found panties (a couple of different times- the first time he denied knowing anything about them and I thought he was cheating on me)… needless to say I was ready to end the relationship if he denied it again. He was finally honest with me, although we have both made it very clear that that was not the way to do it. Since he told me I have been doing a lot of reading and researching, I love him for who he is, not for what he wears. It’s a part of who he is and I accept that. It is difficult for me to understand and I have a gazillion questions to ask him, but with due time. He was afraid that I would run the minute I found out. I don’t think I’m ready for him to “introduce me” just quite yet, and I don’t think he’s ready for it either, but with time I know he will. I look forward to reading and doing more research. I have even asked him if i could join a support group for wives and he has no problem with it, he just doesn’t want me to share his secret with family and friends and I respect that.
Thank you for sharing, SuzieQ. :) It’s unfortunate that today’s culture wraps so many aspects of humanity in shame and misinformation – to the extent that so many people feel a need to hide who they truly are and what brings them a sense of joy and/or peace. I think it’s fantastic that you’ve chosen to do your homework and work though this with your fiancé. There may be some uncomfortable bumps in the road ahead, but with patience, mutual respect, empathy and continued efforts of clear communication, you’ve got an excellent chance at emerging from this a stronger, more complete (no secrets) couple. Take things one day at a time. If there is friction along the way, be sure to be kind to yourself and patient with yourself and forgive yourself if you make missteps along the way. I wish you all the best! <3
Namaste
Such a great site with great comments. Some background. Married for 35 years, 3 adult children. I’ve cross-dresses at various levels since a young age. I have never talked about it or even approached the subject with my wife, although some slight signs or evidence of my desire has come to light over the years. I think my wife does know or have some idea. As I get older along with more free time in the winter my desire grows. Being self employed with a home office gives a good amount of free time for a large portion of the year. My cding has mostly been limited to being in the home, occasionally going out partially in fem or a single feminine item mostly hidden. I have as many of us have made up a lost best story to get my nails done at a salon. Even though I have purged my feminine collection a couple of times over time, I have re-aquired a good sized hidden stash that includes a large assortment of items form bra, panties, tight, leotards, dresses and more. OK, now on to what I need help with. I was just busted! a package I ordered from HerRoom was received by my wife from the mail lady directly. Although she did not open the small package, she later tracked down the opened packaging and located the packing slip. This in turn sent her on a mission to find my stash with in the next following days. How did I know this you ask? about 4 days later I unlocked my large bottom drawer file cabinet to find all my items gone, every single item. Partially replaced with some items from the Halloween box, on top the Mean joker costume still in the package. I was in shock and it took me most of the day to wrap my mind around what had happened. I found all my items later that day in a garbage bag in the back of the attic storage room, tucked mostly out of site. This was all just yesterday, not a word about it from anyone last night after my wife returned from work. Just not sure how to proceed. Our marriage has never been the best at open communication (mostly due to my wifes personality) She is also currently struggling with her sister who is in final stages of cancer. I really don’t think this will have a positive ending, I feel bad for hiding for so long but really fear what will happen.
Hi MJ. Thank you for sharing. I’m sorry to hear about your recent unexpected discovery by your wife. And I’m so very sorry to hear about the battle with cancer your sister-in-law is facing.
It’s definitely a good idea to come out to your wife. It may or may not be good for the relationship, but hiding isn’t healthy on many fronts. The timing doesn’t seem good for starting the discussion with your wife, though. She’s probably going through a very difficult and emotionally draining experience with her sister.
The good news is that your wife has not thrown away your things, but rather just relocated them. This may indicate that there’s room for a discussion to take place at some point, rather than just an ultimatum.
You’ve expressed that your wife hasn’t “been the best at open communication, so there’s an opportunity here to find ways of improving the free flow of communication between the two of you. If she’s a challenge to have certain types of discussions with, then try to find another avenue for getting into discussions. You should have a pretty deep understanding of who she is, so try to find intersection points where her interests and things that light her up, intersect with yours. Or find ways to open her up in a discussion based on things she’s more receptive to talking about, and then work your way into other discussion topics of necessity. If she resists or just plain shuts down the discussion, then let it go for now, and work out another approach. It may be a long term project, and well worthy of investing your time and energy – especially if you place high value on your relationship with her. You *both* deserve to be happy and good communication skills will increase the potential for that to take place in a very genuine way.
So let things go for now. Be supportive and empathetic of your wife’s current needs. All the while, be mindful of ways to open discussion topics with your wife – ways that she’s more likely to be receptive to. Consider it an adventure. Open communication with your wife is the treasure chest. The quest is to find the key that opens the chest.
Wishing you all the best in your adventure and a happy, successful relationship with your wife in the long term.
I have been cross dressing from thr age of 14 mostly in secret but completely free every day since my divorce. I wear my feminine attire every day under my business suit. And I’m having fun every day. Once i get home i take my male clothes off and walk around as a girl drinking my wine.
Been dressing now for most of my life ever since trying on mom’s things in the laundry. I’m 33yo now and have been binging and purging now since I was around 21. Recently went all out….breast forms, makeup the whole 9 and took a drive to the store late one night dressed as Jada. I feel like that part of me is becoming more frequent. I love dressing I’m fem and honestly it’s like a release for another week or so. I feel amazing letting loose and acting the part for the night. I’ve recently started to struggle with telling my wife or not. She’s bisexual (always when im around and ivolved)and playboy beautiful . So I thought maybe going out and being that hot girl she picks up one night would be a good ice breaker. We have no kids and honestly our marriage is amazing. We truely are soulmates and bestfriends totally enjoying every part of life tofether….but I feel like I have this secret I need to tell her….like it’s not fair to hold out on her. I’m scared to death what will happen and the friction it might cause, and plus….how do I explain my whole wardrobe? Lol. I’ve really gotten good at the look and think I’m really passable which might help her visually from freaking out as bad, it’s the relationship part that scares me. IM her man, what if she doesn’t see me as this handsome, in shape, can do anything husband anymore? I guess I’m looking for some support and someone to talk to for advice. Should I tell her at all? I read an article about people that cheat and the one thing that hit home is “why change her happiness for your secrets. Take it to the grave it’s your grief to bear…..not hers.” I guess that’s what I think about more so than not. Appreciate you listening sometime it’s just nice to talk to someone who gets it.
Thank you for sharing your personal situation Jada. There’s certainly nothing easy about making these decisions. One thing I have learned the hard way is that secrets, love and relationships don’t mix well. If something is kept a secret in order to preserve a relationship, the relationship is probably built on a less-than-stable foundation. I didn’t explain to my wife about who I really am before getting married, and it hasn’t worked out so well. The pain it has caused both of us is far worse today than it might have been had I been more honest with her before getting married – a marriage that would *not* have happened, had I explained who I am beforehand. If a secret is about something (negative) that happened that will never happen again, perhaps that is “your grief to bear”. If the secret is about who you are, that’s entirely different. You can try to deny who you are to yourself and the world, and that will come at great cost to your sense of peace and personal happiness in life. If you are honest about who you are, you can at least know that whatever happens from that point is based on the foundation of truth and be at peace about secrets. Beautiful things can be built on truth. And sometimes truth comes with some growing pains – in this case, some friction in your relationship, and perhaps even an end to it. Only you can decide what’s right for you. Whatever you decide, I hope it brings you the peace and happiness in life that you certainly deserve. <3
Hello Gabrielle,
I just wanted to thank you for your website and appreciate the time you put into helping the people visiting this site.
After reading the experiences of other users, I feel compelled to tell my story.
I’m 31 years old and I discovered about 4 weeks ago that I was a CD. Let me explain a little about my past:
At the beginning of high school, I started feeling an urge to put on make-up and wear womans cloths. I would use my mother’s. Everytime I would feel a great satisfaction but also guilt. Being of a nature not to dissappoint others, and most importanty my mother, I tried not to do this all through my teen years and throughout college. All this time, I did not know concept of crossdresser. I believed I was gay, though I was not attracted to men.
Five years ago, I started dating a girl, something I had not done since highschool. I fell deeply in love with her and she did too. My urge faded away almost completely. I then decided to throw away what makeup and womens clothes I had. I thus decided I wouldn’t tell her this part of my past. Eventually, the urge did come back somewhat, though I tried not to think about it. We eventually bought a house and moved in together. We started talking of having a baby. Three months ago, my wife got pregnant. We both were thrilled (and still are).
Not long after, I felt a powerful urge to use her makeup. Could it be that my subconsious was pushing me, considering the new situation? I am not sure. In any case, I put on the makeup, and it felt great, but at the same time I didn’t know what to make of it. I thought this was part of the past. I did not understand it. I then decided to search the internet to find answers. Quickly, I realized that there were many people like me. I finally understood that I was a crossdresser, that it was fairly common though not known to the general public.
I decided to tell her Wednesday last week. I told her I felt the need to dress and where makeup as a women, that I was not gay, that I my love for her was true. I tried to explain the concept of a crossdresser. She didn’t take it very well. She told me she felt as if her life was falling like a house of cards. It was an emotional bombshell for her. I hadn’t expected that, knowing that my wife is pretty openminded with these subjects. I understand now that she had instantly seen grim outcomes for us and the baby. The day after, we had a long discussion, where I tried to gave her as much of the knowledge about crossdressers as she was ready to take. Her emotions had gone somewhat, which made the conversation possible. We continued discussing for the next couple of days. We came to the agreement that she needed some time to absorb this new reality and that she doesn’t want to see dressed as a woman or with makeup for the time being. I can continue doing this on my spare time as long as she is not aware.
For the moment, I am satisfied with the outcome and hope I will be able to share with her this part of me. I really do feel the need to express this part of me even more than I do right now. I does scare me because I don’t know where this can lead me. I don’t think I am transexual as I do feel comfortable in my male body though I feel the need to dress and wear makeup in a way that I look as much as possible as a women.
Thank you for letting me share my story.
Hi Michelle. Thank you for sharing your coming out experience! :) I understand it can be scary – navigating through aspects of who we are when those aspects are considered taboo and socially undesirable. The mind can play all kinds of tricks on us and leave us feeling uncertain and filled with anxiety. Take things one day at a time and focus on gratitude because it sounds like there’s a door open in your life that was not prior. Maybe over time this is something you’ll feel more comfortable about and perhaps even something that can be more openly talked about with your significant other. At the very least, the secret is out and nothing broke. Wishing you and yours all the best. <3