While browsing a local mall (en femme) and minding my own business, I noticed male employees of a T-Mobile kiosk up ahead staring me down with a rather unpleasant look on their faces. There was what appeared to be a customer being assisted at the time, but their focus was on me. From several meters away, I very clearly heard one of them say “There goes a faggot.” It was spoken louder than the rest of the conversation, indicative of his intent for me to hear it.
I would expect this kind of lowbrow behavior from immature kids and street thugs, but not from on-duty employees and representatives of any business, regardless if their own misguided personal views.
As mentioned in my previous account of browsing the mall en femme, I did not allow their bully tactics to ruin my day. They rattled me and gave me a good scare – good for them. I’m sure they’re very proud of themselves for their juvenile display of aggressive behavior toward a completely harmless person. Nothing has changed though. I’m still me, very happy to be who I am, and a little wiser for the experience.
What did you THINK would happen?
The “what did you think would happen going out dressed like that” question that some people may be pondering is a load of bull. I didn’t “bring anything upon myself”. I’ve got every right to be out in public as any other law-abiding citizen. I’ve also got the right to personal self-expression so long as my self-expression is not unlawful. In turn, these guys are allowed their opinions, right or wrong. As on-the-clock representatives of T-Mobile however, derogatory comments and acts of intimidation toward the public reflect on the company as a whole.
I’m a human being
It’s sickening how some “people” (and I use that term loosely) are so comfortable going out of their way to make life difficult for others simply because they disapprove of their differences. I understand that many view people like me as “sub-human”. Well, that’s just too bad. I’m not sub-human, and will not tolerate being treated as such by representatives of any company. No one should just put up with such terrible treatment.
Silence is not an option
Staying silent about something like this would be irresponsible on my part. In my opinion, it’s irresponsible for ANYONE to simply put up with garbage like this. It took time and wasn’t easy, but I wrote a letter detailing the incident to the CEO of T-Mobile, Robert Dotson. I didn’t actually expect the company CEO to look into this matter personally, by the way. Not knowing who exactly to direct this to, I understood that his secretary would probably see to it that it ended up in the right hands.
I encourage you to read the letter. It explains the troubling encounter in detail. The link is to an image file or graphic representation of the letter. Some personal and geographical elements of the letter have been obscured for privacy reasons.
Disappointing, but expected response
Eight days after mailing the letter (via postal service), I received an e-mail response. It was short, vague, and seemed intended for diplomacy purposes more than anything.
What can be expected to be done?
In all fairness to Mr. Fox and T-Mobile, matters of this nature are anything but simple. From their perspective, what’s to say that someone didn’t just make something up for whatever reason? Fact is: what I detailed in my letter is what took place, but I think you understand my point. One person’s word against another usually results in a stalemate – in other words, if nothing can be proven, nothing “officially” took place.
Bringing out the truth
I pondered whether or not to offer a suggestion in response to Mr. Fox’s e-mail, but didn’t think it would be taken seriously. Few companies would welcome advice on how to “do their job” from outsiders, and that is understandable. Even so, I felt compelled to offer it anyway.
Since replying to his e-mail with my suggestion, I haven’t heard back from Mr. Fox, nor do I expect to. Most companies will not discuss or share information of this nature outside of authorized personnel for numerous valid reasons.
What now?
There is no way (for me) to check on the status of any investigation or even confirm that one has taken place. For all I know, my initial letter was only taken with minimal seriousness by people who might even share the same sentiments about transgendered people as their local sales representatives. Actions taken, if any, may be nothing more than a superficial show of good intent in effort to minimize any potential backlash.
I’d like to believe that my account has been taken seriously, that the investigation is very real, and regardless of their findings, that something is done to let it be known that publicly disparaging people (regardless of personal feelings) is absolutely unacceptable behavior for company representatives to engage in.
It could have been anyone
The behavior exhibited toward me by the T-Mobile sales employees is not unique. I’m well aware of how ignorant people in this town (and abroad) view people with differences like mine. It sometimes feels like the 1950’s and I’m a black person who just walked into a white neighborhood – given a hard time for no other reason than my personal appearance.
Regardless of what it could have been, it was what it was. Local representatives of T-Mobile made it clear that and displays of intimidation and openly referring to shoppers as “faggot” is acceptable behavior. If nothing is done about this, then they’re right, it is acceptable behavior.
Do you do business with T-Mobile?
I’m not a T-Mobile customer, but I wonder about their numbers. Statically, how much of T-Mobile’s business comes from transgendered people? Additionally, how many T-Mobile customers are gay? Though in the minority, the two groups together represent a significant portion of the human population. That’s a lot of consumer dollars up for grabs.
About the photo
The photo above is of the actual T-Mobile kiosk this took place. I went back the next day (in guy-mode), observed for a while, and took a picture. I do not imply that the employees seen in the photo either are or are not the same as those who behaved poorly toward me the previous day.
Stay silent, and nothing changes
Tired of being disrespected for no other reason aside from being yourself in public? Do you just accept the dangers involved in public shows of self-expression? You’d better speak your mind, friends. The bigots and haters have, and will continue to speak their minds and make life difficult for us if you do nothing.
Why don’t you start by speaking your mind here – share your thoughts in a comment.
Related content: crossdressing in public
I am not sure how the google pop-up ads are picked for your blog site but I love irony and I hope that the T-Mobile ads that appeared on your site kicked back a small taste of justice.
Great blog BTW. Keep up your site and hold your head high. We are all out here rooting for you.
Thanks, Pat. :) Yeah, I noticed the T-Mobile ads shortly after posting it. It honestly made me laugh.
The experience was unpleasant, but won’t keep me stuck in my home cowering with fear. I live a good life and I’m proud of who I am. It’s too bad that this kind of behavior is still widely accepted, but that will change. In the meantime, I’ll be taking additional precautions when I venture out.
Not a pleasant experience at all, but maybe some good will come out of it. I hope that the *ahem* gentlemen in question are dealt with.
Mud sticks. If T-mobile wants our business, it should buck its ideas up.
I agree, Lynn. :) Time will tell if any good comes of this. I’m hopeful, but not exactly holding my breath.
Makes me rather upset, since I and my parents are T-Mobile customers of standing. Granted, it is the acts of a few people at the bottom of the pecking order, but it still does reflect badly upon the company as a whole.
Can you post a follow-up to this if you receive another response? I am understandably curious as to what happens, if anything for the fact that I might have to look into a different carrier.
Thanks for chiming in, Lynn. :) This was the act of a few jerks, and they could have been employed anywhere. The point is that a few hate-filled bullies are a few too many. Accept it from one, and it sets the standard for all. I won’t accept it from anyone. No self-respecting individual should. Nor should it be tolerated by any employer.
I don’t expect to hear anything back from T-Mile regarding this matter. If I do, I will publish a follow-up. It would be nice to see this company take some initiative and practice what is documented in their official “code of conduct”. Perhaps it is unpopular among company culture to honor such rules. Actions speak louder than words, written or spoken. We’ll see if anything changes.
Hello from Estonia. Brave woman ;) To deal with fear (one cannot be brave if has no fear at all)! I myself have no courage (yet?) to go out with skirt, even if my wife sometimes pushes me to, saying its pointless to have and wear skirts, but only at home… We here have even less tolerance and only “legal” act on the topic is wearing Scottish kilts… But that’s not it.
I don’t always feel brave, jMo, but this garbage has to stop. If we do not all stand up for ourselves, we will never garner respect. I’ll have my respect, and you will have yours, too, my friend. :) You may not yet be feeling courageous, but perhaps in time you’ll find out you’re stronger than you think. If there is something out of life you want, jMo, I suggest you go after it and make it yours… when you’re ready. :) I’m sorry to hear that things are even more difficult for you there than in my town. Nothing is easy in life, but anything is possible. What are you willing to do to make things possible? Don’t tell me. Show me… again, when you’re ready. :)
te entiendo…te respaldo…aqui en chile las cosas a veces son similares…ello me da mas valor…igual que ati…debemos ser templados y siempre mejores…LO SOMOS.UN GRAN ABRAZO.
Me alegro de que entiende, Claudio. :) Usted sabe la sensación, también. Siempre recuerde que usted no está solo – todos debemos ser valientes y derrotar a la gente mala. Podemos hacer mejor las cosas juntos. Habilidades Perdón mi español. Yo entiendo porque mi esposa habla español, pero no puedo hablar bien y con frecuencia tienen que usar un traductor.
Well done for chasing this up with the company. I am a customer (and have no choice to be a customer for another 18 months) and can’t believe that this happens as, when you say, they are on duty and at the stand itself.
If you get anything back I’d be very intrigued to hear what they have to say!
Thanks for commenting, Stacy. :) I understand the contracts – sounds like you’re just a few months into yours. Like I said, I would expect this kind of lowbrow behavior from immature kids and tough-guy street thugs, but being stared down and intimidated by on-duty T-Mobile representatives was rather startling.
If enough people speak their mind and make it known that this is NOT acceptable behavior and requires action, not just words in some “code of conduct” manual, change might start to take place. Until enough people speak, however, it is unlikely T-Mobile, or any other company will take these matters with any real seriousness.
You know how it is – there may be a threat to us for being who we are, but generally speaking, until there is a threat to a company’s bottom line or public image, they are unlikely to pay any serious mind to problems like this.
Wow, you certainly have a lot more courage than I ever would in that situation, I’d have probably just tried to ignore the whole incident to be honest and probably not wanted to “cause a fuss”. You make some brilliant points about speaking out though, it is a sad fact that transgender acceptance is still stuck in the 1950s (that is the best way that I’ve ever heard it summed up). This might not be as bad in the UK but I don’t doubt that there is still a lot of prejudice against TG people here.
However, I doubt I’d work up the courage to go out “en femme” during the day. While I am no longer “in the closet” about the fact that I am TG, probably about 97% of the times that I am “en femme” are at home with the curtains drawn. The rest are usually on the rare occasion I go to a themed night out/pub crawl where I can dismiss it as “fancy dress” if anyone asks.
Its all silly when you think about it, what logical reason is there for people to dislike a male who happens to have a female side? None. There’s no law in most parts of the world about going out “en femme” but the thought of how people may react is, in some ways, a worse restriction than any law.
Thanks for sharing, Chris. :) I was just walking through a mall. If anyone “caused a fuss”, it was some small-minded bullies who decided to intimidate the most harmless person in the world simply for looking different than they would have me look. I’ve got every right to be out, and WITHOUT harassment from attendees of any local or national business. So do you, as you know.
I’m glad you’re “out” and I can understand why the majority of your femme time is spent in private and feeling the need to explain away your appearance do when you do go out. It’s not easy being looked at like some kind of crazy freak, not to mention very undesirable. So long as we remain quiet and private, we’ll also remain “crazy freaks” in the eyes of many. So long as we just shrug off shows of intimidation, we shall remain without respect.
There is nothing wrong with us… with the exception that we’ve been allowing ourselves to be treated poorly for far too long. In terms of being feminine, that is most certainly not a defect or sickness. It is who we are. I’m not ashamed of it in the slightest… although I’m not very proud of trying to hide it most of my life. That was the act of a coward. I’m not a coward anymore. It is foolish for anyone to believe us to be weak just because we are feminine. It is far more cowardly to push around a harmless person if you can clearly overpower them physically. Then again, bullies are nothing more than cowards who fear anything they don’t understand or do not desire themselves.
It is ironic that they pick on us because we lack the things they hold of such importance: being rough, tough, macho, masculine, and unsophisticated (to name a few). We are mocked for lacking things we do not desire. I wonder if, perhaps, sometimes the bullies are fearful of people who clearly do not see any value in that which they (the bullies) hold of such high value themselves. They’ve worked so hard to be masculine and macho, longing to be the alpha-male… and most of us clearly do not want anything to do with those “values” (if you want to call them “values”).
I’m no tough-guy. I probably won’t win many fist-fights. But I’m still a force to be reckoned with. I hope you understand my point, Chris. :) There is also strength in numbers. When others find the courage to stand up and be themselves, too, we’ll ALL have our respect, my friend. Never allow yourself to be bullied. When it happens, speak your mind… or kiss your dignity goodbye and allow the “1950’s” to continue.
You never know Gabrielle. Issues getting reported to the Human Resources division can be serious. In today’s climate, the company might feel it easier to write up or fire the employees if they are the owners of that kiosk. Depends on the state laws as well.
Thanks for your optimistic take, Creative Dreams. :) I agree that companies tend to play it safe these days. I’d really like to believe that transgenders are finally seen as human and that bigoted slurs like “faggot” are no longer acceptable – especially in an obvious hostile display of intimidation. Hard to believe any company would allow something like this to just blow over. I most certainly will not.
Gabrielle You rock girl. Longtime fan of your Blog Both letters you wrote to T-Mobile were so well worded they better realize they need to take the matter seriously. Keep up the great work and keep enjoying life. Your sister Scarlet.
Thanks for your kind words and show of support, Scarlet. :) I’m so happy to hear you’re enjoying my offerings. I doubt anything changed at T-Mobile as a result of my letters, but at least I put it out there. I may bark a little louder next time. This may be a big joke to them, but it is most certainly not to me or any of my readers.
Going out in public is fun dressed up in ladies clothes especially to see the expressions. I do it a lot. I used to drive out of area to make sure that no one that I know sees me but I now am doing it in area. I have recently come out to a couple friends and so far everything is ok they were cool with it. I mentioned to one that with each friend I show it feels like a big weight is taken off of me, but I also mentioned to her that I am afraid that one day I will come out to the wrong friend and they will tell my family. So keep it up and I will keep dressing too.
I’m sorry, but I never understand how people can claim they want to blend in, yet go out in outlandish outfit. If you present yourself as other women, you have a much better chance of blending. If you are non passing, and I know that is tough, but as someone who may not be blending as well as others, I think this kind of stuff you should be mindful of.
Also, as I said, maybe tone down some of the makeup, lord knows the girls I see who wear alot are the ones who get read, even the naturally pretty ones.
Truth is, the guy is running a major corporation and I imagine he most *certainly* sent an email out discussing the situation with the local kiosk. As someone who’s worked in retail for a long time, I can assure you, such corporate memos do get handed down and enforced. The boys who made the slur may not get fired or caught, but you can bet they will tighten the grip on the rules in that regard.
Also, I think its unfair you are assuming because you haven’t heard from them, that it MUST mean they are ignoring you. Whether they sent out a simple memo, or the guy you emailed showed up to crack skulls in that location himself, you would *not* be notified. Again, due to corporate privacy policy, they will tell you they will handle it and thats all you will hear.
I just get annoyed by the trans mentality that the World is out to get us. I have happily and peacefully lived in stealth for the past 6 months and had very little problem. Unlike when I first began transition and stopped, where I was miserable because I felt enemies of me were at every turn.
These boys were jerks, and you did the right thing. I just think you’re terribly unfair by assuming its everyone else’s fault and that you assume TMobile has done nothing, because as I said, even if he delivered the firings himself, you’d never be notified since its private company info.
I appreciate your taking the time to add your input, Jess. In regard to my appearance, was dressed very nicely, not outlandish at all. A photo of how I appeared was provided in the letter sent to T-Mobile (see the link). If by “outlandish” you mean dressed nicer and more upscale than the environment, then maybe I was simply overdressed. Or perhaps the issue is more a matter of fashion opinion – what is neat, decent, and well-dressed to my wife and I is “outlandish” to others. In that respect, my wife dresses very “outlandish” (meaning very nice and upscale looking) when she goes out, and gets a lot of compliments from friends, family, and plenty of strangers… but then again, she’s a genetic woman.
I understand that to better blend in, I probably need to dress down and look as plain as possible (the overall norm in this town). Dressing down is something I’ve resisted en femme because I much prefer to look nice, rather than just clothed. Unfortunately, looking nice can draw attention and when one does not pass, that attention may be negative.
About being ignored, I did not feel ignored, nor was it my intent to to express that sentiment in my writing. In the “What can be expected” segment of my write-up, I attempted to spell out that these situations are not easy from a management standpoint. The “fairness” aspect was addressed – I even used the words “In all fairness…” I also expressed why I did not expect to hear back from T-Mobile. I attempted to spell out why with these words: “I haven’t heard back from Mr. Fox, nor do I expect to. Most companies will not discuss or share information of this nature outside of authorized personnel for numerous valid reasons.”
There are some some key points in my write-up that you may have overlooked, a couple of which directly addressed your concerns before you expressed them.
I understand that you’re annoyed by the “trans mentality that the world is out to get us.” I don’t believe I painted a picture of that in my writing. There is plenty of hatred and prejudice toward us and I address that. Addressing such a topic is not indicative of “the world is out to get me.”
I strongly disagree with your statement of “…you’re terribly unfair by assuming its everyone else’s fault…”. When someone uses derogatory remarks and makes an obvious show of intimidation to anyone simply because of how they look, it is the fault of the name-calling bully and not anyone else.
If you’re not completely put-off by me or what you got out of this write-up, Jess, maybe take some time to read some of my other writing. I think you’ll find that I’m a very positive person overall. :)
I have issue with the idea that Trans people should have to blend. Some strive for that. Others don’t. Over the top drag queens make me scratch my head because I can’t figure what they get out of dressing that way. But the important part is that I don’t judge. I don’t think that they should hide themselves away in a closet and never come out of it. The thing is, deriding anyone, including a “flaming” gay person as a “faggot” is completely unacceptable. I don’t care if they are made up like a drag Raggedy Ann hooker and put their Cleopatra-like make-up on with a spatula. Unacceptable is unacceptable.
If I might be indulged to question intolerance. I once worked in a convenience store in a neighborhood that was very colorful. That means everyone from low rent druggies, to the Lt. Governor of the state within a 5 by 5 block area. It had a large gay community with a fair amount of transgendered people. There was one gurl that had a bit of a crush on me, without knowing I was a crossdresser (to date only 3 people know me as both my persona’s). And let me tell you, she was feminine sexy dressed as a woman, and just as feminine sexy as guy in jeans and t-shirt (no pun intended). In guy mode most straight men couldn’t help but look, as a women everyone drooled over her. And everyone knew she was trans. And she occasionally, went outlandish with her dress and makeup. People accepted and appreciated her.
On the other hand I had a sweet little gurl that would only come in “dressed” during late night snow storms or heavy rains. She didn’t have many femme clothes, and the ones that she had, looked like they were donation rejects. Not convincing or passable at all. Should i have treated her different? Many times I would have people that threatened or generally espouse hate speech toward those that obviously less passable for a variety of reasons. Those that exuded such hatefulness were expelled from the store. It is the hate-filled people that kept too many of us in the closet. It is why straight crossdresser, whom aren’t in an organized community that travels together for protection, fear that people are out to get them. Because usually there is someone. And it is easier to take down the lone crossdresser than a herd of queens (queens please excuse the metaphor).
The issue is not blending, but acceptance. I see this as no different than race or religion. People of a different skin tones and various physical attributes need to accept each other. Blending is not an option. Religions shouldn’t need to try to blend into a mainstream religion to be practiced. This isn’t middle ages. Crossdressing women aren’t forced to blend anymore, so much so that it is not even recognized as crossdressing any longer. I had seen hateful people in that neighborhood interact with all types of transgendered people. It had to do with how they passed as to how they were treated. I’d watched neo-nazi’s drool over the Trans-Goddess no matter what mode she was in, trade good natured barbs with the over the top drag queens, and threaten to “curb” those that didn’t blend like a GG or wasn’t as outlandish as a drag queen.
Some men with strongly developed femme sides will never pass or blend. For one reason or another even SRS will never change that. Should they be the ones that are discriminated against? Should they not be allowed to crossdress or be forced to become a drag queen? Whom gets to make those determinations? Me, I will never blend. I will never pass. Even though I have zero interest in it, SRS would not get me to blend much less pass. I don’t even blend as a man. Only because I am taller than 99.999% of women. I am tall enough that I will NEVER be confused for a GG. On the rare occasions I go out dressed, I fear for my safety.
The question becomes whom do we stand behind and advocate for? Should we institute a dress code? We have so little advocacy even in the GLBT that we can’t afford to fracture by being intolerant of each other. Not even implying some people deserve what they get will help us become equal and free to express ourselves.
Gabi, I think I’m matching you for being long winded =p
Gabrielle,
I’m sorry it would seem after re-reading it, I may have come off a tad rude and crass, and I assure you that wasn’t my intent.
Youre right, I meant dressing down, and used ‘outlandish’ as almost sarcasm for some of the statements others make about a non genetic woman who is dressed quite nicely.
Its a shame, and it doesnt mean you necessarily need to dressin a boring shirt and pants, but if someone looks ‘sexy’ in their dress, it causes attention, usually that of young men. If they were able to read you as non genetic, chances are, they feel threatened by this, as I have met many men who have done the whole ‘is it a man’ challenge of photos that was popular on the web a few years back, and almost *every* guy I know who took it left saying something to the tune of ‘thats SO f*cked up!!! How do I know if Im straight when the hot chick Im turned on by is a guy?!’
This is attributed to people misunderstanding that homosexuality is about *sex*. I myself have had to explain this to many as Ive had men in the past ask me out, then bug out when they found out, thinking that made them gay. Homosexuality is the act of sex between two individuals of the same sex physically. Therefore, if a guy found you attractive, as a woman, its not homosexual. If anything, it meant you had him convinced you were no different from a genetic woman, and that was why he was visually interested. Its not like he was envisioning homosexual sex, more likely, if thinking of sex at all, he was thinking of hetero sex, assuming you were a woman.
Once you got close or there was an indicator that you were not genetic, thats probably when the ‘shame’ and subsequent defense came in raging anger. Many men feel an insult to their sexuality is the biggest offense they can receive, and, instead of critically looking at the issues, that he was simply looking cause he thought you were a woman, he simply chooses to react, fearing that makes him gay. I can tell you, you and I may be different in how we deem our identities, but if a man is dressed as a woman successfully, I find it not homosexual in the least if a man were to find them attractive.
Chances are, the guys felt threatened by you, and barred their teeth in response, figuring it was ‘ok’ to mouth off.
At the end of the day tho, even if TMobile does nothing, they sound like quite unhappy people. Who knows, maybe the one was a CD, and out of anger and envy, decided to mock you. Even if not, when you add it all up, those losers work in a kiosk in the mall. Life isnt exactly going great for them so I’d just think ‘sucks to be you kid.’ lol
Again, Im sorry if I came off rude, I didn’t mean to. I just see so many trans women with *miserable* lives. Sure, if you don’t pass, its tough, but it seems those who *don’t* pass often have much more confidence and grace than those who do. I’ve found my own biggest enemy once I began to pass was assuming everyone still knew, and was actively, yet secretly, judging me for it.
Best of luck in the future and hopefully T Mobile takes some proactive action.
Thanks for taking the time to clear that up, Jess. I appreciate it. :) I understand the whole macho attitude and how insulting one’s manhood or masculinity (by suggesting that he is gay) is the worse offense among the macho-types. I had the displeasure of growing up in that environment.
I don’t pass in person, at least not to most. That does not make my life unhappy at all though – I love my life and wouldn’t change a thing (at least not about who I am as a person). I wish I could be passable, not only to minimize my chance of being harmed while out in public, but also because I would very much like to appear female and more attractive as such. It is very frustrating that every time I venture out of my house en femme, I literally take my life into my hands, and for the sole reason of the fact that I do not conform to socially accepted genetic gender roles. That’s a bunch of bull – following social opinions or facing potential harm (for not doing so). Bull or not, that is how people like me are generally treated in this area. Not by all, but by too many.
I agree – there are a lot of miserable and confused trans folk out there. I am neither confused or miserable. I once was, but not any longer. It is my hope to help others break free of their misery and confusion as well. I think the world would be a much happier place if people genuinely felt like they could just be themselves rather than feeling the need to conform to what others would have them be. Regardless of what people would have me be, or try to intimidate me into being, I will always choose to be myself. To do any less would return me to the miserable state I once existed in during my years of self-loathing and conformity.
It is not likely that T-Mobile will take any serious action because of my communication with them. My letter represents very little threat to the company. When there is little or no threat to a company’s bottom line, there is no motivation to take any action. Same would be true if one person complained about a company’s product or service and no one seemed to care. If complaining about X does not affect sales, there is no danger to the company in their non-action. That’s just how the business world works. Regardless, that will not stop me from doing what I can to raise attention about problems like this. Perhaps in time, enough people will find it unsettling that such behavior by company representatives is so well tolerated by management, and find it enough reason to do business elsewhere.
To address part of what you wrote to Erin, I have nothing against t-girls who are completely passable. They do not take anything away from me in their passing, nor will I ever look down upon them for their ability to look entirely female. If they behave in an unflattering manner (as in treat others poorly for how they look), then I have a problem, but that is behavior based, and not appearance based. I believe it is true that some may feel threatened by the beauty of others, but that is not unique to the trans-world. Personally, I don’t think it has anything to do with trans or non-trans, but rather the basic emotion of jealousy and the negative manifestations it often brings out in people. I’d love to dive into the “whole people should have the right to appear however they want in public, vs. people who stand out will usually be ridiculed for doing so” argument… but that’s too deep of a topic in itself to get into as part of the T-Mobile discussion.
erin, if I could, I wanted to touch on something you said, or rather, expand on it.
You see, while I do *honestly* get taken aback when I see non passing CDs or transwomen, I dont believe they should be faced with violence nor undue slander. However, I can tell you, what you are stating, that blending is not an option, I must disagree.
Now, I am not here to brag nor am I here to make myself sound wonderful, rather, Im just adding an honest perspective from a different view.
Most CDs and even trans women I met appreciate that they can be ‘both’. Now, for myself, since I was 5 years old, I have *known* I was a girl. I didn’t feel like one, I *knew* I was one. I always would think ‘by the time Im an adult, they’ll have a way figured out to fix this.’ I spent a long 20 year period not mentioning anything really until I told my family.
Shock occurred, as expected, and then slowly changed to acceptance. However, even my own parents were concerned. I sat them down and explained I am *not* represented by any culture really, not trans or otherwise. I have no affinity for being a male, although I am a tomboy of sorts, and for me, I was and will always be a genetic woman, just born incorrectly.
For me, blending IS an option. I began living full time when I had hair not even an inch long, in hopes that I could get over my own worries and vanities, assuming I’d never pass. Now, just a lil under a year later, I cant go out alone cause I get hit on, and no one is the wiser (even sometimes Im taken as if Im joking when I tell them Im not a genetic woman.)
However, I *am* the same as any genetic woman. I understand most trans people feel like women, but its not as simple as that, and I understand and totally accept it, I cant imagine how hard that is, since, for me personally, my issues are quite simple and once I began to pass, my life stopped being so focused on myself and my inability to fit in.
My point here is, the community *does* seem to resent those who pass seamlessly. When I was beginning therapy last spring, I agreed to group sessions, if only because I felt a tad intolerant to others. Im glad i went because I realized Im not intolerant, I just hate that people wont accept Im different from them, that for me, blending was always the goal. I am not trans, nor do I really share any of the views the GLBT or trans community holds. It doesnt mean I dont support them, it just means I dont agree with alot of what they are for.
That said, all these women, save the two who were quite sweet, but older, HATED me. When I spoke, they rolled their eyes cause my voice sounds like a woman. When I would wear anything attractive, like if I came after work, I used to work for New York & Company, they would just stare in disgust at me.
The irony here is, they didnt stare because I looked odd, they stared because they felt I passed *too* well, and since I lived in stealth, that I was doing the community a disservice. The fact is, Im not trans, Im just like any other genetic woman, and thank the Lord, I’ve been blessed to pass quite easily and consistently, allowing me the normal life as a woman I would have otherwise not had. However, like I said, every trans person I know, save the VERY few like myself, believe that I am *hurting* the community. *Why* should we have to disclose we were born men? Does Jaime Lee Curtis openly admit she was born a hermaphrodite?! lol Of course not! Because a woman is a woman, and that is it. I understand and am ok with the variance that people live in between men and women, but for me, I’ve always just been the girl next door.
So, while I sympathize for those who dont pass, and will fight for their right to equality, there is a difference between normal women and, like you said, drag queens. I am honestly annoyed by those types and prefer to avoid their company, but only because they tend to be loud, over the top, and completely oversexual in their actions. Its kind like how you dont wear a wife beater to a fancy restaurant without getting looks. If you’re being loud nd dressed like a vegas showgirl at your local grocier, you’re a fool if you think you won’t cause a stir.
In the end, I feel awful for those who ARE just trying to fit in, but due to physical structure, or otherwise, they cannot pass. Those are the people my heart goes out to each day, because I cant imagine how awful that must be, and it certainly gives me alot to be thankful for. However, I just dont understand the hypocrisy. CDs and TS people who dont pass dont want guff for not passing, yet they give people like me guff for passing too well. I just dont understand why they insist the girls who pass and are just simple women stand on ‘their side.’ For myself and others like me, it isnt about sides anymore, we’re just your average woman looking for a job, a life, and for some, a love. :)
Sorry to hear of your experiance, would love to go to a mall dressed. I’m not ready yyet but getting closer. I want to go around people dressed, and soon will as have a deep desire to. Have fueled up several times dressed, but as far as it has gone. I need to do this any tips? MichelleM
There are all sorts of different Transgendered people. Just like there is all sorts of different women. And men for that matter. Most Crossdressers I have come across, gay or straight, tend to be very accepting and appreciate anyone that does their level best to look their personal best. However that is just what I have found.
Personally I am transgendered by definition but not gender dysphoric. I enjoy my gender as much as I do my the gender I more closely identify with. Most people don’t recognize my femininity because of my stature. And it is actually funny, people think of me as very masculine because of my stature. Yet the personality traits that attracts people to me, are all from my very developed femininity.
More to the point. People should have the freedom to wear what makes them feel good. Look how seamlessly crossdressing for women is now in our society. 80 years ago what most women wear daily would not only be frowned on but jail-able offenses. During WWII because of labor demands and the Suffrage Movement eroding strict roles and dress codes women wore jumpsuits to work in the factories. It wasn’t really until Mary Taylor Moore on the Dick VanDyke show that first there was shock and then a greater acceptance of what would have been considered crossdressing 2 generations earlier. Now women can shop in the men’s dept. without a second thought from much of anyone.
That is where men should be. Much of the women’s fashions transgendered people covet are rooted in men’s fashions anyways… but that is a different discussion ;)
One would think that T-Mobile would be T-Girl friendly. Hee hee sorry I had to! Maybe we can work a deal and get CZJ to advocate for us on T-Mobiles dime ;)
That would be cool. Personally I like gorgeous women and gorgeous T-Girls. Beautiful is beautiful in my book =)
There are definite advertising campaign possibilities there, Erin. I don’t think they have the balls for such an advertising campaign though… and sadly, I don’t think many customers are ready for it either. Then again, if they cornered the market on all trans-folk, they might loose some customers and gain more… with better fashion sense. ;) We’ll see trans models pushing merchandise and services in time. All it takes is one break-out star to get things rolling. Here’s to her… whoever she will be.
You’re not alone. I live in Redneckville where people routinely call me a “faggot” simply because my hair is long enough to cover my ears! Manhood, it seems, is defined by having buzzcuts and shooting deer for entertainment around here. My hair is too short for my liking. If hair that’s less than six inches long bugs them, wait ’till next year when it’s twelve, and I’m running errands in pink magnetic curlers!
Thanks for sharing, anonymous. :) I know the type – “tough guys” who hate and ridicule other men for having any elements that they perceive as less than 100% manly-macho-manness. I, too, have gotten flack (while in guy-mode) for having long hair – from being called names, to wanting to pick a fight with me. It’s a damn shame we have to share space and breath the same air as these low-brow knuckle-dragging types. I guess the good news is that at least the extreme ones are much fewer in numbers. It’s annoying that they then to be more vocal and go “looking” to start trouble (often to show their buddies how “bad-ass and tough” they are), but that’s the way of cowardly, insecure types with too much testosterone and not enough intelligence. The silver lining is probably the fact that these types are dinosaurs. Little by little they are dwindling in numbers as society, on the whole, becomes less tolerant of such behavior.
I suggest getting one of the “Pen Video Cameras” and going back there and other spots you’ve had trouble.
Video the violators and then obtain counsel and burn their ass for all it’s worth.
This is not designed for personal gain rather for corporations to recoginze individuals rights to expression.
Without litigation in matters such as this, there would be no ADA, Americans with Disabilities Act. This act disallows ridicule, harrasment or discrimination based on disabilities, actual or percieved..
BTW a good USB drive pen cam is less than $50 and can record up to an hour or more.
good luck
Yolanda
Hi Yolanda, thanks for chiming in – I appreciate the feedback and suggestion. :) For a while after the incident, I did considered going back with a hidden camera of sorts. I thought about asking a couple of friends to record the behaviors of the less-than-professional name-callers when I returned to the same location, but decided against it. Recording evidence of employees disparaging customers/passers-by might have gotten them fired, but that alone would not likely changed much in the grander scheme of things. Additionally, an argument might have been made that by returning to the location with cameras, I went “looking for it” and therefore “incited” the poor behavior. The complexities of doing something like this the *right* way and having a positive outcome (as in helping bring about change, getting the word out that it is not acceptable behavior to treat people like this, and educating the public) requires a bit more than I can feasibly manage for now. It isn’t “fair”, how the burden of proof is on the target (me) of the poor behavior and the odds are against misunderstood groups of people, but today, that is an unfortunate reality.
Notice that I use the word “target” rather than “victim” because I personally don’t like the application of the word “victim” in cases like this. I don’t *feel* like a victim. I didn’t feel like a victim when it went down. I felt like the target of ignorance, cowardly hate, and bully-style intimidation tactics. What did the bullies accomplish? It rattled me at the time, but I still followed through with my outing and continued about my business, undeterred. I’m more street-wise for having this happen. It was a good reminder of where society is at (or at least a low-brow segment there of), and a good reminder of real dangers that are out there. Will they stop be from being myself and getting out? Nope. They’ve made me smarter in my approach to being in public.
Gabrielle,
Your follow-up letter is fantastic. You display extraordinary insight into matters like this. As a retire police officer and administrator, I was always gratified when my detectives showed this level of understanding in getting to the truth. Perfunctory investigations that simply cover the requirements are a waste of time and energy unless the objective is simply a CYA.
Additionally, although I get it that you do not pass, you are clearly more passable than most of us. I can do the body part quite well because I’m in good shape. But I cannot begin to do the face, head, or voice. I have to be satisfied going out dressed androgynously. I frequently dress as a man, but wearing entirely feminine clothing. While it wouldn’t be my first choice, I have to be satisfied. Often people recognize that my clothes are not standard issue. When this happens, I sometimes get smirks, but surprisingly many are just curious and continue to stare. Young women -in the city – often smile because my choices appeal to them. Older women, and/or rural women, and younger men seem the most perplexed. I think these groups are simply caught up in the men will (must) be men perspective.
At least one of your featured “Babes” is so spectacular in presentation, that I cannot imagine that she (he) does not pass. It is either an extraordinary gift or truly perplexing to look so good in either gender. I believe it would be a gift, but I don’t know how I could resist the compulsion to live in both worlds. That’s probably too much to ask. I have no sexual attraction to men. Women are my only attraction and it seems most women (my wife included) are truly not comfortable with crossdressing. If you don’t approximate the feminine form well, they find it ridiculous – so do I. If you look pretty good in feminine attire, they are kind of envious and resentful.
Anyway, I enjoy your site because of the humor and healthy perspective. Keep up the good work. In my opinion, your give crossdressers a lot of help in the understanding arena. You were courageous and commendable to have addressed the disrespect in the mall. I believe that these young men have likely shown disrespect for others whom they see as less worthy – not just a crossdresser.
Thanks,
Falecia
Hi Falecia. Thank you for chiming in and sharing a little about yourself. :) I take your compliment in my follow-up letter as high praise coming from someone who worked as a police officer and administrator, well familiar with the fine details of detective work and getting to the bottom of things in an official capacity. Thank you for that.
There is an emotional response for having been through troubles such as this. Regardless of how I feel emotionally about a situation or circumstances, it is the logical and sensible approach I try to take when documenting, addressing and discussing such things. In doing so, a more intelligent and beneficial exploration of things can take place, rather than just complaining about “jerks behaving like jerks”. It also helps “the rest of the world” see trans folk like myself (and you and countless others) as *intelligent people* and not some freak with a few screws loose.
For the record, the T-Mobile presence at this particular mall is no more. It has nothing to do with my being treated poorly by its employees, but rather just a company struggling to remain relevant in a business dominated by larger players with greater resources. I could have easily have spun a story about how T-Mobile is in decline for having treated a t-girl with an intentional and blatant show of public disparagement and intimidation, complete with photos showing the absence of T-Mobile in the same location. It might have been amusing to some extent, even as a tongue-in-cheek satyrical reflection. Truth be told, I think it is sad that the company is struggling now and hope they do not end up another casualty in a market dominated by a few key giant players. We need *more* competition in the wireless market, not less. But I digress.
It sounds like you’ve reached an acceptable middle ground in regard to your public attire. Maybe androgyny isn’t your preferred “look”, but if you’re happy with how you look and feel, then mission accomplished. Perhaps you may choose to explore more feminine looks at some time. It’s all about what’s right for you, though. :)
Thank you again for chiming in, Falecia. I am grateful for everyone who takes the time to comment and share, but it is especially rewarding and insightful to hear from people who have worked in fields that regularly deal with various aspects of human behavior on levels above and beyond general everyday interaction. Thank you for your contributions in law enforcement.
i love this site, you are amazing, keep it up. i go out dressed from time to time, not the mall,just the supermarket, it is a little scary, cause you don’t know what some jerk will do. i cant pass and i don’t try to i don’t wear a wig or do make up i’m just a man in a skirt and some sexy heels.
oh one time someone yelled “QUEER!” at me from a passing pick up truck (go figure) when i was dressed one day
After reading your last story about your trip to the mall and this, I’m extremely disappointed to hear about your encounter. Sadly I’m also not too surprised as some people are still like that, but I think it’s fantastic that you sent an email detailing your situation. Even if it won’t do much this time, it’s good that you were vocal about it, and I hope that it makes at least somewhat of a change.
I’m sure you know this as you’re much more experienced than I, but don’t be discouraged! I sincerely hope your future encounters outside go better than this one.
P.S Keep up the good work with the blog here.
Thanks for your kind words of encouragement, Matty! :) I appreciate that.
I’m not sure much came of my letter, but the T-Mobile kiosk is long gone now (as they were probably not profitable enough).
I think there will be jerks like this around for the foreseeable future, but the world is definitely changing. It is becoming less acceptable and less tolerated for people to behave so poorly toward others.
It’s no secret that you (we all) get out of the universe that which you put into it. For positive actions and love, positivity and love is returned. For actions based in fear and hate, that negative energy will be returned as well. We may not always bear witness when the universe comes to collect on a negative karmic debt (built up by jerks), but that is not for us to take pleasure in, nor should we seek to. It all balances out in the end.