Earlier this week while I was at work, “Edmund” (not his real name) stopped by to visit my wife. I know Edmund fairly well. We didn’t always get along, but as he grew up and matured, things lightened up between us. He’s really not a bad guy, but he offered a little reminder and rather cold dose of reality before his visit was through.
There was a phone number Mrs. H. needed from Edmund so she handed over the phone asking him to add it to her contacts. Being the curious type, he ended up browsing through some of the photos on her phone in the process. Some of my early makeup photos as Gabrielle are on my wife’s phone. I’m sure you see where this is going.
“That’s a dude, ain’t he!”, Edmund called out to my wife. Mrs. H. immediately knew he stumbled upon my photos as Gabrielle. There are about four of them on there, none of which are very flattering. She asked how he could tell. He said he could just tell and proceeded to ask, “Is that one of your faggot friends?” Those are his exact words as quoted by my wife, which is consistent with what I know about his speech patterns.
My wife has had several gay friends over the years, as have I. Some of her gay friends were also crossdressers. I don’t know if Edmund has ever met any of them, but he is aware that Mrs. H. has friends of all types. I also don’t know if the picture shown above is the exact one he landed on when making his rather degrading remark. He could have very well viewed each of the photos.
Edmund’s candid statement was a bit jarring to me. I really shouldn’t be shocked because I know exactly how the majority of people feel about crossdressers and confuse us with gay men… who are sadly held in equally poor regard.
I felt it necessary not to show any emotion as my wife told me about Edmund’s reaction to my photos. I kind of chuckled to mask how it really made me feel. That is how I tend to behave in guy-mode anyway. In reality it hurt more than usual, perhaps because it hit pretty close to home this time. These crude, dehumanizing words made some disturbing realities settle in clearer than ever. The fact that they were spoken in direct reference to me had greater impact coming from Edmund, who is in fact my stepson.
He didn’t recognize the photos as me, but he may eventually put two and two together. We’re not exactly close and don’t see much of each other so not much would change as a result. I’m sure he’d find it very amusing and perhaps a bit “gross” to find out the truth about me. Even so, he’s not a trouble maker and understands that I deeply love and take very good care of his mother. It may offer me the opportunity to educate him on the realities about people like me… if he were at all interested in learning the truth. My gut feeling is that this conversation topic might make him uncomfortable because of the tough, macho-type he hangs with. There would probably be no real discussion, but rather some squirming, laughter and something along the line of “Ok, ok – whatever makes you happy. I don’t need to hear about it.” I can see this going either way, really.
Regardless, I’m not ashamed of who I am and certainly not about to stop being myself or crawl back into my shell. There’s nothing wrong with me, at least not on this level. It is society that needs to crawl out of the endless abyss of ignorance in which it currently festers and clings to like a frightened child to a mother’s leg.
On a side note, I often equate the word “macho” with the word “coward”. Think about how that works for a moment. This association is not absolute – it is context dependent, but that is a topic for another day.
Honestly, Gabrielle, it’s not surprising that people behave that way these days, but I’m still disappointed that it happened in direct reference to you. Personally, I’m almost looking forward to my first experience with that, mostly because I have a big mouth and a quick wit when I’m prepared for it. Besides, calling some of these people out often exposes them to the sometimes subconscious reasons they do it.
I’m not suggesting they do it because they question themselves, because while this is possible, this is a very simplistic view of the problem. Really, it has a lot to do with our society, where only “macho” men (to borrow a phrase, Gabi) are considered men. Think of a frequently used paraphrase for having “guts.” Basically, it comes down to being expected to both exemplify and enforce this stereotype. Of course, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t genuinely believe it, too.
I’ve been expecting this “label” for some time, Kathryn. It’s probably a good thing I was not around when it was said because I might have ended up outing myself in trying to explain why “faggot” is right up there with the “n word”. Then again, he uses that regularly… with his black friends. It is not likely any true hate was intended in his choice of words or reaction to my photos, but using degrading labels like that does perpetuate the notion that someone is less than human – which is obviously a very bad thing.
I’ll eventually be called a “faggot” in person, I’m sure. Especially in this “we love conformity” town. I just hope I don’t do anything that results in an early obit. I’ve got a bit of a temper… although I feel somehow more easy going as Gabrielle than as Gabe.
Not all macho men are bad – just the tough-guy macho type; the ones who build their entire self-worth in being tougher than than anything they feel threatened by or don’t like. Sadly, this town is full of them. I always hope that I can open some hearts and minds though. I’d rather turn a hater into a friend than have to do battle. God help me do just that if/when I find myself confronted by an outspoken hater.
I am so tired of men associating anything feminine with being gay and associating being gay with a death sentence.
In my own family I’ve been trying to police these type of statements because I’m so sick of the ignorance.
I often equate the word “macho” with the word “coward” —- SO TRUE
We’re all tired of it, Jessica. There is a guy at work I’ve tried to set straight (no pun intended). He never used the word “faggot”, but frequently made gay jokes, as in if you do [whatever], you’re gay (as in gay is bad). I know he doesn’t mean any harm, but it is damaging to make jokes like that. Similar joking makes it difficult for transgendered people as well. It’s been some time since I’ve heard anything like that from him. If we make it known that this is not acceptable behavior, we can make a difference… if only one person at a time.
You are so right about the macho stuff, and it is sad that we have to “play” the role when in guy mode. Ladies are able to go dance with each other, no questions asked. Also, something happened over the 4th that is endemic to this situation. I was over at some friends. Sun quite bright, and did my best to get the sunscreen where it needed to go. There was a small area in the middle of my back that I couldn’t get by myself, and just didn’t feel comfortable asking a dude to help me avoid skin cancer. That’s a pretty sad state of affairs in this world. So I endured a week of sunburn. Change takes a while, I think. Got to keep the faith.
@Kathryn: I understand what you’re saying. The word “gay” as an insult isn’t so much in reference to being homosexual, but rather just a generic insult – at least in the way many some use it. I used to also use “gay” as an insult years ago, but it was meant in the context of “jerk”, not homosexual. It’s been quite some time since I used the word like that though. It’s not cool, it’s not right, and I don’t care to hear people use it in that light. As I stated, I’ve gone so far as to ask those around me not to use the word like that, or make gay jokes.
@Heidi: I’m sorry to hear about your sunburned back, Heidi. I’m sure it was fun trying to sleep at night because of that (not). Women are definitely allowed more freedoms in society. Men are kind of shoved off into a corner of few options, and socially-punished if they want more than what is made available to them.
It would be nice if men could some day make the advances that women have… at least socially. We’ll get there some day though. I just hope I’m still young enough to enjoy it when that day comes!
Ok, I’ll make some clarifications here.
First off, having had my high school and junior high school days far too fresh in my memory, I can make a differentiation for people who may not entirely be aware of them.
Probably in the last 15 years it became hip to use “gay” as an entirely different insult, that is, no longer is someone actually being called a homosexual, moreover, it’s almost an entirely different meaning. Granted, it’s still an insult, and worse, people still make the connection between negativity and homosexuality because of it, but it’s just worth noting the change.
I even admit to using it this way, and even though I try to control it, it just comes out these days. Sure, nobody gets upset over it, at least not in my group of friends, but it actually bothers me now that I have started to so carefully think over my words. Anyway, my point is, do we also propagate these kinds of things. Change ourselves, then change the world is my point.