When I arrived home from work the other day, my wife was peaking out of the door smiling at me as I parked the car. I greeted her with a hug and kiss. She gave me a big smile and said, “Thank you for coming out to me.” It made me happy to hear, although I was a bit surprised she brought it up out of the blue.
“What makes you say that right now?”, I asked. She replied, “I’m just very happy that you love me, trust me enough to tell me your deepest secrets, and can be completely open with me.” We took a walk in our back yard, hand-in-hand, and enjoyed each others company while chatting about our day.
I came out to her only last year, after more than a decade of marriage. I wish I had come out years ago. She’s been very accepting of my crossdressing and helpful in making it possible. Mrs. H. treats me well and puts up with a lot from me (I’m not exactly an easy person to live with). Regardless of my quirks and faults, she loves me as I am. For the record, I do not consider crossdressing to be a “quirk” or a “fault”, but rather a personal trait.
The love I share with my wife runs deep and she fills my life with with happiness and joy. It was only after coming out to her that I truly realized the full extent of her love. She even told me how “interesting” she thought I was. In other words, she’s happier to have a husband (and part time t-girl) who’s not just another average guy.
Understandably, a lot of crossdressers are still hiding this part of their lives from their spouses. Many have have come out to their wives, only to be told things like “I don’t want any part of it” or “Either you stop, or I’m leaving you and you’ll never see your kids again…” It breaks my heart that so many people like me end up with a woman who does not fully love and accept them. It almost seems wrong choosing to stay with such a person, although I understand there are strong feelings of attachment and need involved.
No one (man or woman) should settle for less than a spouse who truly loves them completely. Whether you’re a crossdresser or not, if your significant other does not wholly love you as you are, that ought to tell you something. My marriage is far from perfect and has its share of turbulence, but my wife and I have learned to communicate pretty well. We make a good effort to work out our differences and try to understand how each other feels.
I count my blessings and don’t take Mrs. H. for granted. She’s stood by my side through some very difficult times. When we hear the song “I’ll Stand by You” by The Pretenders, it reminds us of our relationship. It almost seems to be written from the perspective of my wife, to me. I get choked up listening to it sometimes.
Thank you for standing by me, my loving wife. Thank you for understanding and being there for me. I’ll be there for you too, always.
I wish my wife was as understanding as yours. I really can’t talk to her for fear of just what you stated that she would leave me. I want someone to share this inner being with, someone I can trust. Thanks Gabrielle for being here for me and all the others like us cause we are not alone.
D.
I’m sorry you can’t share this part of your life with your wife, DeeDee. It makes me sad to hear that. There was a time when I believed I could never share the truth with my own wife, but I got very lucky and things eventually worked out well in that department.
Perhaps some day you will be able to share this with your wife. One never knows what the future holds. Only you know what’s best for you though.
It seems like you find at least some comfort in what I share and write about. I’m happy and honored to be a part of your life in that respect. Don’t ever feel like you’re alone. People like us are ALL over the place! If we were all out of the closet, I bet there’d easily be enough of us to take over the world! heehee All kidding aside, don’t loose faith, Deedee. :)
Gabrielle,
Thank you for caring.I am a follower of your blog and only wish I could be as strong as you. Really thanks for being here.
D.
You’re welcome, DeeDee, and I bet you’re stronger than you think. Don’t sell yourself short, my friend. We all have weak moments in life. It does not mean we lack strength and confidence, but rather that we are human. :) Life is a growth process. We all grow at different rates and all have room for improvement.
dear gabrielle.i have been out to my wife for about ten years now and i wish i had told her a lot sooner but the way things were i could not and i had been in the closet for many years.so when a medical problem arose i felt that it was the time to tell her and it took me about an hour during a walk to finally tell her.now after being married for going on thirty years she accepted my story on how i had always wanted to dress up like a girl and that i always felt more comfortable in a dress.well after that she has let me go out and join cd groups and i have been going out all dressed up as my alter ego ,a lovely woman that i always wanted to be and do .for me getting dressed in lingerie and picking out a skirt or dress to wear when i go out to meet my girlfriends in the city its an experience that never gets old and i will probably be dressing till the day i die. all my love phylisanne
Thanks for sharing your story, Phylisanne. :) I wish I had come out to my wife a lot sooner as well. It seems that there was a blessing in the medical condition that prompted you to finally tell your wife. I’m glad you’re doing better now, btw. :)
Send my love to your wife. It always makes me so happy to hear the stories of acceptance from wives of crossdressers.
A wonderfully written piece. All of my wives have known of my proclivity and all have accepted and encouraged the femininity within me. I find that our actions speak more loudly than the words we say and that talking about crossdressing isn’t the solution nearly as much as acting as our real selves. . . . Being your loving feminine self will get you what you really want.
Marilyn in Dallas
You’re absolutely right, Marilyn – actions speak louder than words. Talking is an essential part of good communication. Our actions and behavior will make a relationship thrive or fail.
I feel lucky to be my true self around my wife freely. It sounds like you’ve been able to do the same in your relationships, Marilyn. That feeling is a priceless ingredient in the recipe for happiness and contentment in life. :)
I’ve been married for just over 10 years and came out to my wife about 6 months ago. She’s still trying to get her head around it and at the same time we are still happily married. She hasn’t met Nikki yet. These things take time and I’m taking things very slowly. I have to consider her feelings fist and foremost as this has come as a big surprise. I love her dearly and hope that one day she will accept Nikki. You obviously have a wonderful wife as I do and I envy the fact that your relationship has escalated to another level as a consequence of your honesty and her acceptance. There’s a lesson to us all.
You did the right thing in coming out to your wife, Nikki. Congratulations for having the courage to do so. :)
I understand your wife is still trying to figure out exactly what this means, and yet you’re still happily married. The “happily” part is key, and a very good sign. Taking things slow is the right way to do it. I’m sure it took some time for you to figure out yourself – it took me more than three decades to work out. With patients and time, I’m sure your wife will understand more. She knows, she still loves you, and now you really need to allow her to take it at a pace she’s comfortable with. You’re absolutely right in putting such high importance on her her feelings – that’s part of love, devotion and being a good husband.
My wife has been very supportive and our marriage has only grown stronger after having come out to her. Now we both enjoy Gabrielle’s company, for lack of a better way of putting it. In time, your marriage may experience the same. It’s way to early to give up hope on that – you need to give it time, too.
You also need to consider that your wife may never be fully happy about this aspect of your life. Not all women will enjoy the idea of seeing or even knowing about their husband’s feminine side. It sounds to me that you have a strong marriage, Nikki. Even if your wife is never fully comfortable, or at the least, does not want to be an active participant in “Nikki’s” life, she may still respect this as part of you and understand the importance to your own mental health to be able to explore this part of who you are. All married couples have things they enjoy together, and things they enjoy separately. If Nikki is something you enjoy only on your own personal time (without the company of your wife), you will probably both still enjoy a long and happy marriage together. The important thing is love, respect and good communication between the two of you. So long as you have that, you will do just fine. :)
In terms of your wife’s discovery of what crossdressing is all about, you may want to find some good resources of information and be prepared to present them to her when she shows interest in learning more. Present her with the information and allow her to sift through it at her pace. It will give her a good foundation in which to build her understanding. She will, in turn, also have questions that she will discuss with you. You’ll know what to do from there. :)
Not to toot my own horn, but the crossdressing myths on this website are an excellent source of knowledge that deal with some of the most common crossdressing questions and misconceptions. Consider leading her to this information as well, after you’ve taken the time to browse through it yourself and make sure you’re comfortable with it as written.
One final thought – you may run into road blocks along the way. Just remember that a road block is not the end of the road, but simply a bump in it. ;) It is your wife saying “this is too much right now, and I need more time to process this”. It is not her saying “you need to stop or else…”, even if that is how it comes out of her mouth. Be patient. Be understanding. Most of all, be prepared for the bumps.
Good luck to you and yours, Nikki. If you don’t mind, drop me a line sometime and let me know how your progress is going.
Gabby, Thank you so much. I found your response very reassuring and I will keep you posted with how things progress over the coming months.