There seems to be no shortage of people who think crossdressing is nothing more than a sexual fetish. The origins of this myth however, are rooted in reality, at least to some extent. Sadly it’s been blown way out of proportion by people who don’t understand what they’re talking about, and little has been done to fill in the blanks of reality. Please allow me to clarify things for you.
Myth: Crossdressing is just a sexual fetish because crossdressing men are aroused by dressing up and do so for sexual pleasure. Fact: Although crossdressing is a sexual fetish for some, the vast majority of crossdressers do not experience any arousal as a result of crossdressing, nor is it a factor in their desire to do so.
Because this crossdressing myth is of a sexual nature, it is necessary to discuss some aspects of sex and masturbation. Although I will do so tactfully and on an informative level only, if this kind of subject matter is offensive to you, it may be advisable to discontinue reading… and you should probably never consider a career in the medical field. ;) If it is the truth you seek however, read on. Sex and masturbation are simple facts of life, just like eating, sleeping, and exercising. It is society that chooses (and teaches us) to make some topics taboo and others acceptable discussion material.
To properly address this myth, I think it is important to address some realities that many crossdressers prefer not to discuss openly. To be completely honest, very few people discuss it openly, whether they crossdress or not.
Masturbation
Masturbation is a very normal part of life, yet still very much a social taboo. The taboo element of masturbation is routed mainly in the generally universal religious belief that lust is a bad thing. Because masturbation can be considered the gratification of that lust, masturbation is therefore seen as wrong, sinful, evil, and just plain bad.
Crossdressing before puberty
According to a 1997 study of 1,023 crossdressers between the age of 20 and 80, two thirds began crossdressing before the age of 10 (source). For me, it was around age 3 or 4. In other words, it usually begins before puberty and any real understanding of sexual gratification. This one bit of information alone heavily supports the fact that crossdressing is not a sexual fetish for the majority of crossdressers.
The crossdressing masturbation phase
Around the onset of puberty, practically all boys, whether they crossdress or not, will masturbate. For most crossdressers, it is at this time in their life that the act of dressing in women’s clothes becomes very arousing. Masturbating while crossdressed is very common from the time puberty begins and will usually continue for a number of years. The span in which this persists varies from one person to the next.
Crossdressing evolution
After a time, the act of crossdressing becomes less arousing to most crossdressers. The desire to masturbate while crossdressed subsides and is replaced by a feeling of wholeness and calmness. The act of crossdressing becomes very relaxing rather than sexually stimulating.
In some crossdressers, the masturbation phase never really ends. Crossdressing remains linked to sexual arousal and the act of crossdressing is typically accompanied by masturbation or sex with a partner. These are, in fact, fetish crossdressers. There are many complexities and variations to this so please forgive my simplification for purposes of discussing the fetish myth.
It is important to remember that even though crossdressing is a fetish for some, it does not (in and of itself) make them perverts or otherwise bad people. Having a sexual fetish of some kind (and there are many) is very common. Most people who indulge in a sexual fetish are very normal, productive members of society.
Although uncertain of the statistical numbers on this, my experience in online crossdressing communities indicates that the majority of crossdressers and t-girls no longer experience sexual arousal as a result of crossdressing.
That beautiful t-girl in the mirror
Long after the masturbation phase has ended, it is still possible for a crossdresser to be attracted to their own feminine image. Heterosexual men, which make up the majority of crossdressers, are attracted to feminine beauty. Seeing a beautiful woman can be very sexually arousing. That does not change when the “beautiful woman” is one’s own reflection in the mirror.
It might seem crazy, but it’s perfectly logical
To many non-crossdressers, the idea of one being sexually attracted to oneself may seem crazy, if not laughable. This belief is mainly a byproduct of society’s level of sexual repression, social taboos, and general lack of knowledge. It’s not some weird mental illness or perversion, just a misunderstood fact of life.
Many genetic women are also attracted to feminine beauty
If the idea of a crossdressing man being attracted to his own feminine image in the mirror seems crazy, how about a straight, non-crossdressing woman being attracted to her own feminine image in the mirror? Crazy or not, it exists. I am uncertain as to what extent, but believe that the majority of ultra feminine/girly women are, at least sometimes, attracted to their own feminine beauty.
I documented my own wife’s attraction to herself in the mirror in this article. If you take some time to read it, you will learn that this is not unique to just her.
It doesn’t make it a fetish
Because many crossdressers can and will sometimes be attracted to their own feminine image in the mirror, masturbation and sex are usually never completely removed from the equation. Unlike the masturbation phase in which the act of crossdressing itself is sexually arousing, this kind of sexual arousal is triggered by the sight/presence of feminine beauty – a natural response in heterosexual men, and sometimes women as well.
An interesting double standard
If you took the time to read the linked article above, you know that my wife will sometimes masturbate while fully dressed in women’s clothing. Does this mean my wife has a fetish about dressing up as a woman? If that were true, she’d be in an almost constant state of arousal, and yet that is not the case.
Most crossdressers have a very strong feminine side. It is why we crossdress in the first place – to express and explore our feminine side. If it is not a fetish for a woman to wear woman’s clothing, why then would it be for a crossdressing man when all other elements (aside from the obvious) are equal? The answer is, it is not a fetish. Unless a man is aroused by the act of wearing women’s clothing or only crossdresses for sexual purposes, it’s not a fetish for him.
Cowardly haters
People who equate crossdressing with a sexual fetish so long as there are any elements (at all) of sexual gratification (ever) involved in crossdressing, are usually just doing so in an effort to perpetuate the idea of crossdressing as a disgraceful activity.
Because sex and masturbation are still fairly taboo (more so the latter) in mainstream society, anything related to them is often frowned upon by the masses. In addition, when mainstream society (or elements there of) are uncomfortable with something, usually only the “negative” or taboo elements are brought up in order to persuade others into believing the same.
Sexual gratification is usually not the motivation…
When most crossdressers masturbate or have sex while wearing women’s clothes, it is usually not the reason they crossdress. Many things in life are simply more enjoyable while crossdressed. This includes, but is certainly not limited to, sexual activities.
…but sometimes it is
On occasion, a genetic woman will get dressed up in her most attractive attire and do her makeup just right in order to incite sexual attraction from a man. Most people consider this pretty normal. It’s usually a big part of the dating ritual for women, although I’m happy to say my wife still makes a good effort in her appearance (from dress to makeup) to attract sexual attention from me at times. I can also attract sexual attention from my wife by doing the same. What kind of fool would not take advantage of something that can almost guarantee an amazing sexual experience?
I crossdress because it is simply a part of who I am. It is enjoyable on many fronts, including sexual activities. Being alive is enjoyable on many fronts, including sexual activities. Even so, I’ve never heard someone equate life itself with a sexual fetish.
Why would one fetish seem so crazy when compared to the others?
Even though crossdressing is not a sexual fetish for most crossdressers, it is a fetish some. Is that really a problem? There is a fetish for just about everything from toe-sucking to scat. If you’re unfamiliar of the latter term, look it up and then tell me if you think fetish crossdressers are really so bad. If you said “yes”, I’ll think you’re full of crap… literally. But who am I to judge anyone for their fetish? Does it matter terribly what people do, so long as they do not harm others while doing so?
In conclusion
Fetish crossdressers crossdress with sexual activity in mind and as their motivation. For the majority of crossdressers, sexual activity is not the motivation for crossdressing. It is simply the exploration of feminine self expression.
Crossdressing, sex, and masturbation are somewhat intertwined, but only because LIFE, sex and masturbation are equally intertwined.
Related content: Crossdressing Myths
> before puberty
Also known as BC – before curlies :) The summary rang many bells for me. My earliest CD memory was around that age, maybe 6 or so.
With regards to the fetish CD side of it, maybe that is why some people look down on the CD/TV/TG community. That’s not to say that I do, I mean: who am I – a guy in a dress – to judge another person because that’s they way they chose to get their jollies?
> wholeness and calmness
That’s pretty much where I am now. Well, not now as in right now, but when dressed anyway :)
I used to wonder if the calmness was some type of mental release, but while I can get antsy if I can’t dress up, I don’t approach the wardrobe buzzing with excitement. In fact, some times it feels like a chore. :)
In terms of the fetish end of things, Lynn, I do think that is a big part of why much of society frowns upon transgendered people as a whole. They see the “bad” elements of it, (aka anything to do with *gasp* sex), and that becomes the basis for their dislike and even hatred of people like us.
I also get antsy if I cannot crossdress for long periods… moody and quick-tempered is probably a better way of putting it. The days of true excitement over dressing are long gone, but I always look forward to my femme time. You’re right – it IS very much a chore at times. lol I think many genetic women will agree on that one. ;) It’s work, but the pay-off is food for the soul… a much needed break from my masculine form and the freedom of my inner-femininity being allowed to exist in the world as Gabrielle for a while. My wife often tells me how much I smile as Gabrielle… yes, it is a beautiful feeling – very freeing, relaxing, and like the me society never allowed me to be. :)
Were you writing about me? You are so on the money. I started at around four, I remember those days, at least enough of then to know it was there.
I went through all of the phases and have found myself the most content when I’m Ellen. There is no sexual gratification from it, just peace. I wish I could make my wife truely realize that fact.
I have gotten to the point of being extemely femme when I dress through a lot of experimentation and work. I can now focus, as I get older, on simply fashion. Where will it go from here? Does anyone know?
The last couple of years I have been able to reach out through the net and meet some wonderful girls who have helped me get out moderately frequently. I have mall shopped, had makeup done an eaten in more than one nice restaurant amongst everyday people without getting any looks. God I love it! But a fetish? not for any of the girls I have met. It is for true R&R.
Ellen
Yes, I was writing about you, Ellen. :) Actually, I was writing about us, as in the majority of crossdressers/t-girls. There is so much diversity in the transgendered spectrum that it is impossible to sum up how things truly work for all of us. At the same time, so many of us have gone through many of the same experiences in life growing up, discovery, confusion, feeling alone, exploration, acceptance, and (hopefully) achieving inner peace and contentment in who we are.
I truly cherish my time en femme. There are an assortment of positive feelings experienced when in girl-mode. It is calming, relaxing, enjoyable, freeing, uplifting, and empowering, to name a few. I know you and many others experience the same along with a that which makes each of us unique in our own way.
This is a fetish for some, and there’s nothing wrong with that… with the exception of those who seem to go out of their way to draw as much negative attention to themselves as possible. For the majority of us, this is just who we are. It’s not about sex, it’s about living life. Having said that, sometimes sex is a part of living life, and I am not ashamed to say (nor do I brag) that I have a rather healthy sex life. I do not stop being a t-girl given the opportunity to explore amazing experiences with my wife. I live life by my rules, not some archaic code of what is socially acceptable (today).
I have long pondered on whether I am am a fetish cross-dresser or not. For me, the sex thing hasn’t really gone away – I still want to consummate a dressing session with masturbation if I can but as the “hobby” developed over the years, I can certainly identify much more closely now with my “sisters” who say they only feel that wonderful calmness and joy that comes with dressing – not arousal. The evolution for me came over the past months when, due to the absence of my wife, I had the opportunity to indulge myself as often as I wished. (My wife is the sort who would never accept my cross-dressing and she doesn’t know – never will). During this phase, I got bolder and bolder, eventually making many solo shopping trips en femme. The buzz I got from this was amazing but (for obvious physical reasons) not accompanied by erections or masturbation. I call the buzz – brain sex – it leaves one alive with excitement without the actual involvement of the male organ. Is this then still a sexual fetish ? Actually, I don’t know and don’t care !! As you say, we all achieve contentment in our own way. Although the sad thing for me is that I can’t share sex with anyone anymore, the fact that I can still enjoy it solo – through the medium of cross-dressing – is a huge bonus. When you consider that I am 73 years of age and have just had an amazing new treatment for prostate cancer that has left me perfectly undamaged, you will understand why am I happy.
I’m not sure whether or not you’d be “officially” classified as a fetish dresser, but as you indicated – what does it matter? The main point is that you’re happy with yourself and content in this aspect of your life. If you get excited by dressing (either sexually or just an adrenal rush), then let it be what it will be.
Congratulations on your surviving prostate cancer “perfectly undamaged”, btw. A co-worker of mine in his mid 60’s had to have his removed late last year. He’s not been the same since and only works remotely now. Scary stuff. I’m glad you came through unharmed for the experience. :)
Thanks Gaby. It’s worth spreading the word about prostate cancer treatments because (as you probably know)all of us who have this gland will most likely develop prostate cancer if we live long enough. The stats show that by the time you reach your eighties it is 80% likely that there are cancer cells there. They may not do any harm but they are there. Until the advent of new therapies such as the High intensity focused ultrasound (HiFU), the chances of being damaged by treatment such as radical surgery were extremely high – 25% incontinence and almost 100% impotence !!
I got my treatment in the UK. The USA is lagging behind with FDA approval still waiting. Get out there and lobby !!!
I was 4 my first time and having older sisters maybe why I was either able or did start so early. The largest part of my crossdressing is the inner calming I feel. My femme nature is able to deal with life’s trivialities in a calmer and more relaxed manner. Though I am able to call up aspects of my femme nature while in man mode (for lack of better terminology), it is far more difficult when completely in the societal norm of dressing as a man.
Don’t get me wrong. I like my masculine nature as much as my femme nature. I loath however, that I am forced in very real ways, to segment my life to situational norms. I mean I would love to go to a local sporting event (I live in a city that boost MLB, NBA, NFL, NHL, MLS, and a few other pro sport leagues) dressed casual femme. Like the perfect pair of white shorts, nice matching sandals, and a home jersey to the baseball game. At home I have worn matching skirt, heels, tights, with the contrasting second color panties and bra for NFL games. If I did that at a game I would likely get beaten down pretty bad and knowing law enforcement, they would allow it as long as I wasn’t being killed.
I digress. But it is easier for me to get to the femme side dressed femme. And in my situation my wife and I have talked about how it is not always sexual thing, so if she gets fresh not to take it hard if I at least for the time being refuse her advance. Because sometimes I like to keep my clothes on for a while lol. Even at times when we have sex when I am dressed, I am as likely to freshen up after as change gender clothing or get ready to go to bed.
Sorry for rambling on=\
Don’t apologize for rambling on, Erin. I call it “sharing”. :)
In terms of my wife’s sexual advances… it really doesn’t matter if I’m in guy-mode or girl-mode. If she’s in the mood, I’m usually more than happy to enjoy some amazing… uh… quality time together. lol There are times when I get dressed (en femme) to take pictures or do a video and I have had to ask my wife to wait a bit first, but that’s a different thing. The same goes for guy-mode – if I have to go somewhere and look tidy and neat (shirt, tie, whatever), it’s best not to get all ruffled up before attending to other business. As you expressed, I will also tidy myself back up (in girl mode) after my wife has her way with me. Again, my dressing is not centered around sexual pleasure (it is my need for feminine self-expression), but I’m not one to turn down an opportunity unless other circumstances prevent it.
Like many women (do for their man), I will dress up sometimes just to attract sexual attention from my wife. I do it in guy mode (shirt and tie – she loves that), and I do it in girl mode, too. Of course, few people regard a shirt and tie on a man as a sexual fetish, even if he dresses that way to attract sexual attention from his wife. Hmmm. ;)
I completely understand about the public self-expression and the potential for law enforcement to do little or nothing to help out. Oddly enough, I’ve been in touch with a couple of crossdressing police officers along the way. Sadly, I think most will not be included to do much to help though. For what it’s worth – I think it’s great – wanting to express your love of sports and favorite teams in girl-mode. I hope you still do so, even if not in public.
One more thought on this. We actually have two very big events working against us. First until the late 1970s many of us didn’t have our own terminology. The word Crossdresser (I’ve started to refuse to hyphenate the word because it looks like words forced together instead of a natural occurrence) didn’t enter the picture until the by and large straight men were left with the term transvestite. Which had become a dirty word that had come to imply gay fetishism, mental illness, perversion, and all the stigma from all the other groups that shed the moniker at the start of the gay rights movement.
So the why general society views us in this way is because we were in a since abandon to it. Like a weird game of hot potato. For example. Where are the female crossdresser? No one should be fooled into thinking that they don’t exist. They do. They are likely as prevalent as male counterparts. In fact you might see them daily and think nothing of it. Why? Suffrage. I have heard complaints that women are held to a different standard that I don’t buy. In the 1920’s women wear harassed and even arrested for wearing pants and suits. It really wasn’t until the 1940’s with women working on the factory floors (and 40 years of the Suffrage movement)that it became acceptable. To their credit women took more and more and went further and further until they took all manners of clothing for themselves. By the seventies few women were seen as crossdressing, by the eighties it was almost unheard of and by the nineties a women could shop in the men’s department for all of her clothes and the worst anyone would think of her was that she was a lesbian. But women crossdress all the time. The vast majority famous women of any kind of attractiveness has done it some public venue (movie, magazine, or just out on the town) and it is considered hot… which incidentally I agree with it. You will be hard pressed to find any Hollywood Actress of note that hasn’t done it, even if in just the fetishism sense.
The Gay Liberation Movement and the Gay Rights Movement saw gay transgendered people shed the label of transvestism for less stigmatized identities. It doesn’t help that Drag Queens to Female Impersonators to those that self identify as “Shemales” (must be a porn distinction, I have met transitioning people before and that is the term that is the most derogatory to them) don’t mind if they get called Crossdressers… which just muddies the water for us.
So in long (that was not short but not as long as it could have been) there is some basis as to why people are not informed about who we are.
To Sarah.
I know it’s off subject but could you give us/me more detailed information on, and where or who of your successful prostate cancer treatment. And of who you might recommend I contact about this ultrasound treatment for prostate cancer? What the success rates are without collateral damage? Costs, etc.
It’s very pertinent to me as I have an advancing “early” stage prostate cancer, and though it’s still contained so far, as my prostate still plays an important role in my sexuality and fulfillment I’d been doing a “watch & wait” before treatment in hopes that medical science will have moved forward to more succesful options and outcomes before my cancer starts to spread. (Despite the accomanying BPH issues.) I’m also only 59 years old and haven’t had an intimate relationship in some time. So you might understand the urgency of my search. I’d love to keep my prostate and sexuality for at least a few years in hopes of finding a fulfilling relationship to enjoy sexually while I still can.
I hope this off-topic is okay with you too, Gabrielle. Is there perhaps a way of putting us together in dialogue while protecting our online privacy to the community? (If you’re willing Sarah.)
Thank you. -Madeleine
It is a bit off-topic, Madeleine, but an issue we all may face as genetic males. I have forwarded your contact information to Sarah. I hope she’ll drop you a line, but it’s up to her to make contact with you. If she does not, I hope you will not take it personally. :)
I am not sure, but I think my earliest experiences with crossdressing may have stemmed from playing with my older sisters Barbie dolls. At age 4 I certainly was aware that boys and girls were different, there was something about putting the clothes on the dolls that was so intriging to me. Why do only the girls wear dresses, high heel shoes, and bikinis. It seemed unfair perhaps, either way, I still remember this stuff, and that was in 1970. I supressed these feelings until puberty, then, watchout. There was no female artical of clothing that was safe from me. Once I moved out, I then went nuts buying undies from mail order catalogs, even at times being brazen enough to just pick stuff I liked off of the rack at thrift stores. Anyway, I am now 46, been married for a few years, and still, I cant get enough panties and bras, or garters, or heels, or skirts. I think you get the picture.
What’s interesting is that crossdressing with my wife is very much concerned with sexual gratification. We find that it intensifies the sexual experience to exchange clothes before lovemaking. However, we never take penetration to orgasm but mutually masturbate. It has taken some time to find our preference.
I find it frustrating that crossdressers who do these sites make blanket statements that they assume apply in EVERY situation. For example, the author says: “After a time, the act of crossdressing becomes less arousing to most crossdressers. The desire to masturbate while crossdressed subsides and is replaced by a feeling of wholeness and calmness.” Sorry! You couldn’t be more wrong! At my mid 50’s and crossdressing since kindergarten I find crossdress masturbation as arousing as the 1st day I ever did it. In fact I find that my greatest heightened pleasure is when I am wearing nylons, panties and a slip (I don’t crossdresser in full outfits anymore– too time consuming and I find slips, panties and nylons to be my greatest pleasure). Anyway, I have spent a lifetime of purging and returning and I don’t know what to think anymore, but I do find a major sexual release in crossdresse-masturnation especially after 32 years of marriage and a wife who has little to zero interest in sexual activity anymore.
Please note that I mean no offense to you, but the author stated that it could be a fetish for some at least 5 times in the body of the article. Please refrain from negative bashing, especially when it is unwarranted!
Hi Brian. I’m not sure where you get “negative bashing” from this article, unless you personally view fetishes as a negative in your mind. There’s a big difference between “fetish” and “pervert”. The former is not a negative in and of itself, nor was it explained as such here.
The intent of the article was to establish that the act of crossdressing should not be defined as a fetish any more than wearing leather (at all) can be considered a fetish. You may have overlooked this part of the article: “Having a sexual fetish of some kind (and there are many) is very common. Most people who indulge in a sexual fetish are very normal, productive members of society.”
how to startcrossdressing as a hobby for relaxation.
Hi
I love to dress up but I am not sure how to tell my wife
Hi Ashley. You might find some useful information about telling your wife here: How to Tell Your Wife You’re a Crossdresser. Read the article. It covers the things you should consider and prepare for when coming out to your wife. Good luck! :)
I didn’t read all of your post – I have been on & off your very good site since I found you earlier today. When I was a child I had orgasms LONG before puberty. I am very sexual as a male, and last year I started messing around with feminine clothing. It is a revisit of my childhood experiences I’m sure. I do remember putting on lipstick as a younger guy – I think before high school, and my mother’s stockings. Very enticing to me. Never any other clothing though. But before that Mom put lipstick on me when I was very young a few times but she didn’t dress me as a girl. I remember because dad was gone and it was just her and I. Daily I’d see her putting on makeup and her stockings & naturally wanted the same. Now I’m beyond 50 and discovered this side of me after being oblivious to it for decades. I’m about 5’8″ and quite slender (150#) and have the face for it. Not a lot of body hair in our family…Anyway, wow, this came out of the blue. I confess that I really love dressing up. There is something about it – like I go from a hard/tough male (I am) to this soft subdued being. I’ve gradually picked up a few sexy dresses/skirts and bras, forms, 2 wigs, lipsticks/gloss, and a corset & heels & stockings/pantyhose. It’s fun – that’s for sure. And it’s very relaxing and of course the image I see in the mirror is very attractive to me since I am straight. Like someone said, it’s repulsive for me to think about being intimate with another male. But it’s so relaxing to “dress up” and it’s fun. I mean fun. Perhaps because it’s so different. Don’t know. I really can’t define why I like doing it. I look a lot younger with my brunette wig on, with lipstick and a little eye shadow and mascara, etc. I look Very pretty. I know pretty legs & a pretty face when I see them. That’s how I look in a short dress with stockings or Suntan Leggs on, my long hair and beautiful make up. Now I’m thinking about getting more normal feminine clothes instead of what I have which are toned down “sissy dresses”, very feminine but not normal dresses. I love petticoats under one of my skirts. I wear panties 24/7 and in cold weather pantyhose for the feeling and warmth, under my male jeans. love how they hug my legs. I have a secret longing to wear heals outside walking the dog. I have a pair of suede soft heals that are quiet when I walk and very comfortable. So that’s kind of my story in a nutshell. I have no urgency to do any different than I am doing – dressing a few times a week early in the am by myself. No one knows and I want it to stay that way….thanks
Yes sometimes I masturbate at my own image. But not that often. I like saving myself for my wife who is my love.
My husband and I got married 9 years ago. From the beginning things were hard. Sex was not often like I expected newly weds to have. I often asked him what fun things we could try and he never had any suggestions. I remember crying myself to sleep because I felt rejected. It felt like nothing would turn him on. Don’t get me wrong, we made love, and it was same ol same ol stuff. Just a couple of years ago I found out he loved wearing womans clothes. And it was a fetish he liked in a sexual way. He swears he is not gay and he cant explain why he likes this. But a lot of things suddenly made sense. I still struggle with this. It just isn’t my cup of tea and unlike him, it does NOT turn me on. In fact it does the opposite. I feel like I was cheated. He chose not to tell me about this fetish before we were married. In fact I found out by accident by me making a comment about wearing girls clothes and he gave me a strange face. I do love him. I do not love his fetish. And it is destroying me because I cant have the sexual relationship I crave from my husband. I used to be a VERY sexual person but now I am so turned off my sex its not even funny. I’ve tried so hard to be opened minded and I really don’t judge him. I am not against any type of life style. People have choices and I’m glad we have the right to chose them and I did NOT choose this.. he did. I feel like a horrible person for not being able to accept this, just like he feels like a horrible person for being the way he is. Its not working well for either one of our emotional balances.
I cant even write him a sexy letter (which I have tried) telling him things i’d do to him to get him turned on. He doesn’t have any role playing ideas that will get him turned on. He just says wearing girls close while he has sex with me will turn him on.. I really am not digging it :( :( :(
FYI He is an amazing person. Hes a great father and treats me good. And this is why I beat myself up over this.
Hi Tristy. Thank you for writing and sharing.
I’m sorry to hear about the difficulties between you and your husband. It sounds like you both love each other very much and that you both enjoy very different ideas of sexual pleasure.
Not being turned on by what your husband desires sexually is nothing to feel guilty or bad about. I hope you will not continue to beat yourself up about it. You’re allowed your preferences in sexual gratification, as is your husband. Neither one of you should feel any shame in what turns you on.
It is unfortunate that you each have such different needs in achieving sexual gratification. In a perfect world, this would have been discovered and discussed prior to getting married.
In terms of sexual pleasure – people like what they like, period. You don’t get to choose your sexual desires, they simply are what they are. Your only choices are acknowledge and work with it, or deny or lie about it and experience frustration. To question what you, or anyone else is into sexually, is like questioning why a particular food tastes delicious to one person and disgusting to another. It can’t be quantified on an intellectual level.
Perhaps it is best to examine where you and your husband connect best – common interests, hobbies, goals, other activities, etc. Do you both have enough in common to keep the marriage happy and mutually beneficial? If the differences in sexual gratification are going to be a point of significant frustration for you, consider seeking a couples therapist. Make sure you do your homework on this and find one with experience in sexuality, AND who does not judge sexual desires as good or bad. The role of the therapist is to guide you through working things through, and *not* to take sides or declare either one of your sexual desires as wrong, bad, weird, etc.
Working with the right therapist, you may end up finding some common sexual interests and/or learn ways of gratifying each other that are acceptable and enjoyable to both.
In the meantime, work toward being at peace, lay off the guilt (guild is not healthy for anyone, ever!) and concentrate on the areas of your marriage that bring the most joy. I wish you and your husband all the best.
Tristy,
I know exactly how you feel! My husband did not tell me about this fetish nor the fact that porn was such a huge part of his life. I was a virgin when we got together and my first sexually experiences were with him.I too thought it unusual that he seemed apathetic about sex, especially when I was excited and wanted to explore this side of our relationship more! I have been married to him for almost 20 years and I literally just found out yesterday about the cross dressing fetish….he says it was when he was a child, but I am not sure if that is the truth. I am so beyond frustrated because I am not into porn or crossdressing and I do not think we will find a common ground sexually. All of this has put a huge strain on our marriage and I do not see a light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you for sharing honestly and openly.
Hello.
I wanted to know why certain men have a fetish of wearing women’s clothes. If you have any resource in support of your answer, that would be great.
Also, I was wondering if such a fetish can be resolved.
I read somewhere that a therapist thought her client had a crossdressing fetish because he was too attached to his mother. When said client yelled at/ rebuked his mother (which is horrible, but he did) the fetish had gone. It was no longer there. What might be the explanation here ? And do all those with crossdressing fetish have such ‘issues’ ?
When it comes to “what turns you on”, you kind of get what you get. It’s a mix of one’s unique brain chemistry, culture and exposure. There’s a fetish for just about anything, too. I think most people have some kind of fetish and don’t openly share for a variety of reasons.
I don’t think it’s possible to eliminate a fetish, but rather one may be conditioned to have very strong feelings of negativity about it and things associated with. This may result in discontinued pursuit of fetish gratification. Unless a fetish is somehow destructive or harmful to someone (beyond an undesired social stigma associated there to), I would advise against this kind of “therapy” as it may cause more harm than good.
Okay thanks for the reply.
But can all fetishes be explained through the kind of issues I alluded to above ? I’m inclined to think not all fetishes have their basis in some issue, and that they can be purely random. Hence why I was asking about it.
Does a fetish *have* to be based on or have a foundation in an issue or personal experience? I’m not sure the answer to that is a simple yes or no. I think many fetishes are, in some way, based on one’s understanding or perception of the world around them. This is going to differ significantly from region to region and over time. The turn-on factor of a fetish may or may not have something to do with going against, acting outside of or twisting cultural norms. The reason something may become a fetish to one person and not to another depends on many factors, including their unique brain chemistry. That’s probably the single biggest “random” factor, imo.