Dear Gabi,
I have been dressing since my early youth… 5, again at 8 and again at 12 and pretty much weekly after that I am 51 years old and married with one 5 year old child at home. I only wear panties here at home for that is all I own… no male briefs… nada. My wife knew of my crossdressing before we were married and accepted me. My problem now is that I can not dress any longer at home because of our child, so I take it elsewhere. Mainly to a gay friends house . I am hetero and my friend hits on me all the time as Debbie but never as Dave. For the past 3 – 4 years my dressing en femme has become very aggressive, and honestly that is all I want to do. I am at a point right now in that I would like to start hormones and transition to female, for that is who I truly feel inside. Dave has only been there out of fear, and to take care of his family. I actually get very depressed if Debbie does not get to play and even am Bitchy. I feel the urgency more so in my life today than I did years past. What to do? Debbie is who I befriended in my adolescent years and have came to love immensely. Even my family. Sisters, love having Debbie around to go out with and such.
Gabi, having said all of that, am I terribly wrong with wanting to be the person I feel that I really am? I am very confused, and the BATTLE is RAGING within! I just want to add a bit extra… I have not had sex for almost 6 years with any person, for I know it is a WANT and not a NEED, and Debbie does not like her plumbing either! I do not dress to play and masturbate…I dress for I am very comfy as Debbie and often Debbie will grab her purse and hit the streets to shop till she drops!
What is your take Gabi?
Debbie Daniels
Dear Debbie,
You certainly have some complex issues weighing heavily on your mind. It sounds to me like you’re struggling with the role you currently play in life vs. who you’d like to be (as in full-time Debbie). The question that leaves me with is what role do you see yourself playing if you woke up tomorrow as post-SRS Debbie?
I am guessing that you’ve been free to crossdress and express yourself as you choose (at least on your own time) for most of your adult life. With your femme-time considerably restricted and (presumably) reduced for the last several years, I can understand your depression and feelings of irritation. When that which makes us feel like ourselves has been taken away or greatly restricted, it can take an emotional toll and manifest itself in various negative ways.
Your wife knew about and accepted Debbie before marriage, but how does she feel about your femme-side today? Did you mutually decide that your child should not be exposed to Debbie? Should you undergo SRS, what will have changed (aside from the obvious) that will allow you to then be yourself (Debbie) at home and around your child?
Your described “aggressive” crossdressing as of late may be the result of not being able to do so with the freedom you once enjoyed. Your desire to transition may be the need to become psychically who you feel you truly are inside. It might also just be overcompensation for the current lack of freedom to explore your feminine side.
When your friend hits on you as Debbie, does it fill a void currently lacking in your marriage? You describe yourself as heterosexual, so I imagine you have no romantic interest in your friend, but the attention probably plays a role in making you feel better about yourself as Debbie.
In my understanding, transsexuals generally feel, from an early age, they were born with the wrong sexual organs and/or in the wrong body. It seems like you are coming to this conclusion much later in your life than most.
Do you think that maybe the positive attention you receive as Debbie, lack of sex, and frustration in not being able to express your feminine-side at home could be the major factors in your desire to transition? Might things improve if you and your wife simply allowed Debbie to be a part of your home life again? Does Debbie’s plumbing truly feel wrong, or is she just frustrated by the lack of sex and personal freedom? Have you considered how sex might be with a vagina rather than a penis?
Undergoing the process of sex reassignment surgery is a very serious change in life. Under the right circumstances, it can offer people the opportunity to be physically who they have always been inside.
Psychological counseling is usually required in order to begin hormone therapy and start the process of transitioning. I advise you to seek out such a therapist (with proper training in this field) and discuss your reasons for wanting to undergo SRS. Most physicians won’t consider performing SRS until the patient has undergone the proper therapy and lived their life as the desired sex for at least one year prior.
You ask, “Am I terribly wrong with wanting to be the person I feel that I really am?” We all have the right to pursuit of happiness in life and that includes being ourselves (or who we feel we are). If Dave is only “there out of fear, and to take care of his family”, have you thought about life after transitioning? Will Debbie be there to take care of her family?
I don’t think it’s about being right or wrong in your desire to be who you feel you are, but rather a matter of where you want to be in your life, what you need to do to achieve that goal, and what it means for you and your family.
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“When that which makes us feel like ourselves has been taken away or greatly restricted, it can take an emotional toll and manifest itself in various negative ways.”
There is a really deep insight behind that statement that I’m going to have to think about for a while in terms of my own gender journey. I know that when I was six I announced to one of my girl friends that I would have rather been born a girl, but this was so long ago, that I learned the life of a man in the west. I’m not sure that I’ve ever “felt like myself”, yet I was forced to conclude that whoever I was was here and now.
Studying feminist theory has altered my view a bit :)
I appreciate your post (and Debbie’s willingness to share) – and apologize that it seems to have kicked off a moment of verbal diarrhea on my part.
I don’t see any verbal diarrhea on your part, Dayita. I’m glad this stirred up some thought on the subject and you chose to share. :)
Interesting how you said “I learned the life of a man…” and followed with “I’ve never ‘felt like myself’…” You echo what many of us have gone through and feel. We are born as we are, and for a while exist as we are, at least on an emotional level and thought process. As we grow up, we’re “taught” how to be a man by the world around us. We are punished for failing to be man enough (or so I was) and rewarded for being the man society wants to see us be.
Like yourself, I never felt like me – it never felt natural. In my case, I crossdressed when I could and learned to live vicariously through girlfriends… which caused much trouble in my relationships, especially when they ended (extra devastating for me). Fast forward through many years of confusion – knowing I feel one way, but the way I feel just isn’t allowed in this society, so I must be crazy. Eventually, I figured out what it all means… or at least what it means in my life. I successfully deprogrammed myself enough to understand who I am and always was.
Even so, I’m still growing, evolving and learning more about myself every day. Here I am today. Who knows where I’ll be next week, or two years from now. However life turns out for me, it is at least a path I choose for myself rather than the one mainstream society would have me walk. I choose to be myself, whatever that may be… and feel terribly bad for those who feel the need to cave (give up who they truly are) under the overwhelming pressure of family, friends, and society.
I wish you much luck on your gender journey, Dayita. I know in time you will figure out that which has yet to make sense in your life. :)
I am gonna come from a different angle here.
Why is your wife wanting to continue supporting bigotry.
Now I know that may be a bit harsh, but that is in essensce what she is doing.
My dad frowned on the idea of me having friends that were anything other than white. This was in part due to his father being the same.
The only way society will change its views is if adults dump their bigotry when it comes to raising their kids. What she is doing has an extremely high chance of back firing in the future. It can either make your kid rebel, or worse, hate you and his mother.
Why is something that is hurting no one, being treated like it is hurting someone. Why did your wife change her view?
I have seen this kind of thing happen when kids enter the fray, and not just about crossdressing. Why does the entrance of a new human muck everything up?