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T-Girl Vs. the Evil Squirrel of Doom

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Gabrielle Squirrel Hunter

“Shhhhh! Be veeeeery quiet! I’m hunting SQUIRREL!”

When it comes to squirrel hunting, I’m about as successful as old Elmer Fudd going after his wascally widdle wabbit. Now why on earth would a nice, peace-loving t-girl like me be hunting down a cute, little, fluffy squirrel with its cute, little, bushy tail?

A couple of squirrels found their way into our home earlier this year. A small piece of wood just below the roof had blown off the house during a windy storm. It wasn’t long before I started hearing odd noises coming from the attic near that part of the house. A quick trip outside to investigate, and I saw it… the demon squirrel from hell peaking its little head out of the hole. When I moved closer, it quickly exited the hole and ran off across the roof where I lost track of it.

I’m not very handy with home repairs, but I managed to replace the wooden panel that was blown off. Problem solved. The squirrels can’t get in anymore.

A day later, I heard the noises again. Hmm. Maybe I trapped one of them inside when I replaced the panel? Nope. The little bastards had literally clawed and chewed their way through the panel and made a new hole. They found a nice, cozy little place to stay and weren’t giving it up.

I fixed the panel again. They chewed another hole. Nothing like wasting hours of my time only for the little demon-rodents to keep busting in. God only knows how much damage they might cause in the attic if I didn’t get rid of them soon.

I tried putting poison in there, but they didn’t eat it. I used some kind of squirrel spray that was supposed to smell like one of their natural predators. It worked for one day, and they returned. Subsequent spraying had no affect. These little bastards are pretty smart.

I hired a professional contractor to build a completely new covering for that part of the house. That did the trick. The squirrels were not able to burrow their way back in… but it didn’t stop them from trying. They chewed and scraped up the new panel, and destroyed a completely different panel, trying to find another way in. Grrrrr. The only way to put an end to this, is to put an end to the damn hell-rodents themselves.

With my Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle in hand, I went on the hunt. Actually, it’s a Remington Air Master, but I’ve always wanted to use the “Red Ryder” line in one of my posts. Mark that one off my bucket list.

Over the next several weeks, every time I spotted a squirrel in my yard, I’d grab my air riffle and go after the little bastard. Each time, the damn squirrel put a good distance between us before I could take aim.

My wife is pretty amused by it all. With every squirrel sighting, her husband, the amazing crossdressing squirrel hunter, frantically grabs the riffle and goes on the hunt like Ahab after the whale.

I’ve fired off dozens of rounds, but have yet to claim my fluffy-tailed trophy. Perhaps some things are just not meant to be. Elmer never got to eat his wabbit stew. Gargamel never enjoyed gourmet Smurf. The Wicked Witch of the west never obtained the ruby slippers. Wile E. Coyote never caught the Road Runner… except for in that one episode in which the coyote was (shrunken) too small to do anything after “catching” the towering Road Runner. That’s kind of what I based the above image on: Gabi in pseudo-cartoon land being outsmarted by the giant evil squirrel of doom.

The hunt ain’t over yet. One of these days…

15 thoughts on “T-Girl Vs. the Evil Squirrel of Doom”

    1. Happy Friday to you, Petra. :) I can’t say the heels improve my aim much, but they go great with the camouflage and air riffle so at least I look good while hunting. lol

  2. You go girl. It is amazing who such small creatures can be such big pests. Work on your aim or grab a .22 rifle. After we installed an attic exhaust fan the little critters ate through the plastic grate. Then they ate through the heavy gauge plastic grate. Finally we had to install a steel grate panel.
    They took up residence in my attic. I went after them with a trap and would stick my head up into the crawl space. My bride did not think shooting them with a .22 inside the attic was a good idea. She did the squirrel research (I wish she did as much research on my crossdressing). It ended up costing us close to a grand. Since we live in a state of tree huggers and varmint lovers the company had to trap each squirrel individually and then bring them 30 miles away to humanely release them in a wildlife preserve.
    If it were up to me I would have tested them out on my super flush toilet.
    No squirrell problems for the past few years. Eventually we won. Keep up the battle. Never surrender.

    1. Whoa – sounds like the fuzzy-tailed rats cost you a pretty penny and super headache, too, Pat. I’d grab the 22, but I doubt my neighbors would appreciate me running around my yard taking shots with that. It’s a residential street and I’d rather not get paid a visit from the local police, so it’s a low-power, and much quieter air riffle for now. If I had the time, I’d just camp (sit really still) for a while and wait. I’m sure I’d be able to bullseye the sucker(s) if I had a closer shot without chasing involved. I’m glad you were able to rid yourself of the pests. Sooner or later, I’ll claim my victory, too! Only mine won’t involve a 30 mile drop-trip. ;)

  3. > cute, little, fluffy squirrel

    Don’t be fooled, they’re just rats with a better outfit. :-)

    Good luck with the huntin’ :-D

    Nice outfit BTW. Glam and camo! :-)

    1. Thanks, Lynn. :) And no – they ain’t foolin’ this t-girl. The little bastards cost me time and money… and they’ll get theirs soon. A fluffy-tailed rat is still a RAT!

      So… you think squirrel tail would make a nice accessory to my camo-look? :D

  5. My friend has a Husky/Border Collie mix that has made good work of two squirrels, and his previous purebred Husky would bait them with her foodbowl during the day.

    Companionship AND pest control. His only issue has been dealing with the, erm, kills.

    1. A hardworking pest control 4-legged friend – this dog deserves a Scooby Snack, Lynn! Yes, the aftermath may be messy, but the pests were neutralized. I wouldn’t mind picking up a little mess if your friend’s dog is for hire. :) My approach hasn’t exactly been very effective yet. lol

  6. Dear Gabrielle

    Please come and shoot my family of six grey ‘tree rats’ – so far they have ruined two planter tubs of perpetual pansies because they are too lazy to dig holes in hard earth!

    Hugs – Christina

    1. So the evil “tree rats” have gotten to you too? Sorry to hear that, Christina. Trust me – I feel your pain. I’ve taken several more shots at our own fluffy-tailed demon rodents in the last several days. No confirmed kills… YET. When I do, I swear, I’m keeping their tails as trophies! >:D

    1. Thanks for the video link, Stacy. Lol! Jasper makes it sound a lot more entertaining. Why can’t I have moles instead of demon-squirrels? Actually… better watch what I ask for. lol Don’t need both causing trouble.

  8. I did hear that some GM-Rats are now crossdressing as GF-Squirrels! (No, they still like GF-Rats & they don’t want to become GF-Squirrels. Duh!) Anyway, now they’re faster & smarter & lots harder to shoot. You can only tell them by the way they hide their nuts & flick their tails … [Ok, my bad!]

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