Dear Gabi,
Thanks for your page, I will be back to visit. I have dressed off/on since 5 years old. In an off phase went dated and married.
Had gotten back into and understand and accept now that it is part of me and great stress relief. Almost cost me my job due to poor reaction to stress.
I was trying to decide how to talk with my wife about it and left a journal site open. Now she knows before I was quite ready. I have seen your How to Tell Your Wife You’re a Crossdresser page but am looking for any other help tips there might be. If you have any, thanks.
I haven’t looked at everything here but your en femme pictures are awesome, you make very nice looking woman. If I can get half as cute as you I will be happy.
Good luck and enjoy in the future.
Sincerely,
Georgette
Dear Georgette,
You’re off to a good start, even if it doesn’t feel that way to you right now. In accepting and embracing this aspect of your life, you have laid the foundation of stability on which to grow and evolve as a person. It’s healthier for one to allow oneself to be who they truly are rather than to deny or suppress it (barring circumstances that would be harmful to others).
In my opinion, it is best to share the truth with one’s spouse. We all have our personal matters of privacy. The difference between personal privacy and marriage-deal-breakers should be obvious between two people who know each other well enough to have tied the knot. If a marriage fails as a result personal disclosures, it is usually indicative of the fact it had a poor foundation to begin with (under false pretense). Concealed/hidden truths rarely make for a successful marital formula. I think you’re decision to tell your wife is the right call and a respectable move on your part. She deserves to know.
The worst takes place in your own mind
It is unfortunate that your wife discovered your feminine side before you were emotionally ready to disclose it – more so for you than for your spouse. The good news is, the fear and uncertainty you’re experiencing is probably more the result of over-thinking than anything else.
I understand you’ve been doing your homework and reading up on how to properly explain things to your wife. That’s a very intelligent move on your part and will benefit both of you. Concentrate your emotional energies on all that you’ve learned in your research and figure out how best to apply it to your own, unique situation.
It’s life as usual
Perhaps the best thing one can do after coming out to, or being discovered by their wife is to simply do nothing at all – at least at first. If the initial round of questions have been addressed, then you should give your wife some space and allow her ample time to process the information at her own pace. For many women, it can be a lot to take in, and understandably so.
This is where it can be difficult on your part, in terms of not quite being ready for this moment just yet. You might be filled with even more questions, concerns, and uncertainty than your wife. The fear and uncertainty a common emotion for those who are newly out to their spouse.
It is in your best interest to simply go about “life as usual” until your wife is ready to discuss things further and approaches you about it. This means do whatever you would normally do as if nothing has changed. Even if you’re not feeling the most confident inside, you had best put those feelings aside for now and put on a smile for the woman you love. Your wife has a lot to process and you need to let her know (by example) that everything is ok.
Danger, Will Robinson!
There is a trap that crossdressers often fall into – especially those who are newly out to a significant other. It’s what I call the “Is it because I’m a crossdresser?” syndrome. With the knowledge that your wife now knows about this aspect of your life, you may begin to question little things that were not much of a concern before. The reality is, people have disagreements and various ups and downs in their relationships. That’s the norm across the board. The fact that you’re a crossdresser has little (if anything) to do with that, except for in your own mind. If you ever find yourself wondering if something is wrong and ponder the question: “Is it because I’m a crossdresser?”, chances are, you’re just being paranoid. This is your que to immediately drop that thought process before you inadvertently stir up trouble where there was none to begin with. Your wife knows, and she didn’t run screaming or lay into you about it – that says a lot.
The marital trouble that occurs after coming out to (or being outed to) one’s wife is often the result of a paranoid transgender who has subconsciously instigated trouble all on their own. If you go looking hard enough for a problem in a specific area, you might just find what you were looking for… after having caused it yourself. It may not be easy, but take my advice when I say: do not go there. Should you find your thoughts dwelling on this paranoid line of reasoning, heed my warning.
It’s not the end of marital happiness if…
Your wife may end up understanding you better in time, and choose not to be an active participant in this aspect of your life. There is nothing that says she has to, either. This is a choice you must allow her to make for herself, and respect her decision should it be that of non-participation. It’s always more enjoyable when this can be shared between partners, but it’s not for everyone.
It’s not the end of the road if your wife doesn’t want to be take part of this aspect of your life. It is normal for wives and husbands to each pursue their own individual interests outside of that which they share with each other.
I am reminded of a popular tech podcast I enjoy. The podcaster eats, breathes, and lives tech. His wife does not. Their together life is pretty tech-limited. She has her thing, and he has his. Together they are a loving couple with other cross-over interests.
Being a tech-enthusiast is a very different animal than being transgendered. The point is that all married couples have their together-interests, and their separate-interests. It is up to each couple to settle upon that which is essential to share together, and that which can be enjoyed separately in order for the marriage to work best.
Take it easy and enjoy each moment for what it is
Sit tight, relax, and let things play out as they will. If you run into bumps along the way, do not stress. Bumps can be discussed and evened out later on. Be there for your wife and answer her questions with complete honesty. Don’t push her or rush anything. Above all – be the loving, caring, supportive spouse she’s always known and loved.
Good luck, and I wish all the best for you and your wife.
Related content: Dear Gabi Advice Column
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One additional point – the disclosure of being trans is an opportunity to redefine your relationship with your spouse in a more positive context.
Up to this point, there’s been a secret. Something you’ve been carefully protecting from discovery. Now that is out in the open, it’s a chance for you both to create a new and positive relationship between you that includes all of you.
You are still you – that hasn’t changed. Your spouse will (I hope!) come to understand that in time – and recognize that what brought you together is still there.
What you have is an opportunity to make your relationship stronger and richer than it was before. It will take care, patience and nurturing to heal the initial pain of having a secret disclosed.
Just a thought …
That’s a good point, Michelle, and well stated. :) Unfortunately I discovered that I misinterpreted the request for help during continued communication with Georgette. I think you came closer to the target than I with your point. The main issue at play turned out to be Georgette’s wife not accepting this aspect of her life and believing it can be “corrected” with help.
I plan to do a follow-up on this with the new information and examine the thought process of an unaccepting wife – one that is very common. I hope you’ll check back for the follow-up post. This is a difficult situation for both of them and I’m sure they’d appreciate the feedback.
Believe it or not, the idea that dressing in women’s clothing is a problem that can fixed or corrected, can be a positive. Well it can be positive, as long as she doesn’t cling to that idea, to the detriment of the marriage.
In my experience, I not only tried to drop hints to my wife, but I essential told her in a gentle way. Something in her kept changing it into something else, into something that she could do, or wear that would change my needs. She simply didn’t accept it.
It quite literally wasn’t until we were days that I can count on my fingers, away from divorce (with other things happening as well), that she managed to get to a place where she would accept that is I am. It didn’t hurt that part of the conditions for any reconciliation was that she had to accept that part of me, but there were other things that pointed her to the inescapable facts… sort of being found out, but a little different.
My wife and I talked every day and night seemingly for a solid month. We made our positions plain and compromised with each other. If I had to do it all over again I would have talked more about getting special time and also thought of boundaries to place on myself. However you have to make it perfectly clear, with no gray area, nothing open to interpretation, that is who you are and there is nothing wrong with that. You need to get her to say those words to.
However you have to realize at the same time that you will have to give after you get that understanding. I obviously don’t know your specific situation… but for a time I found that dressing just for her (that would mean that you don’t dress for yourself… or anyone else) would not only include her in your life, but I found helped make her feel more secure in your relationship and in your (your as in the possessive plural) sexuality.
I would caution that if that does work, and it becomes sexual often, that you have to what any good girl *wink* would do, and out the breaks on a time or two to let her know that it isn’t just about sex… which is incidentally called transvestic fetishism which has very little to do with those of us that fall under the transgender umbrella. Being that you have been dressing from an early age, I assume that it isn’t all about sexual gratification. In all honesty you don’t have to shut down an advance, but it is imperative that she understands that it isn’t a sexual fetish… that it is much more than that. Because if she sees it as a sexual fetish, than it goes back to something that can be worked on, fixed, or corrected.
I hope I helped some.
Thanks for sharing your own troubles with your wife, Erin. :) I’m glad things worked out better over time between the two of you and hope the same happens with Georgette and her wife.